Satan & Yahtzee vs. Our Moral Code

 

  It was a day. A Saturday if you want me to be specific! But it was a day, just like any other. There were a few beers being consumed and plenty of bullshit being waffled on about. We had played all the official BHO Yahtzee Matches that needed to be played. There were a few of us though that just fancied a bit more! After all, Yahtzee is for life, not just for Christmas!

  So there were three of us; Jacob, Lee and myself. Apparently the designated Matches just aren't enough! So we decided to have a little friendly Match. Little did we know, but this would NOT be a mere friendly, AND the result of this Match could have been detrimental. Not just to Yahtzee, but to Humankind in general! I appreciate that this may be a bit baffling. Let me break it down for ya! (Spoiler: we're still here and so are you, so it's all good!)

  The Match started just like any Match starts: ya roll the dice! It was my roll. I got three sixes. Wicked! I held them. Second roll: ANOTHER SIX! Whoah now nelly! Obviously I held that six, then rolled again! I certainly didn't expect... ANOTHER SIX!!! A bloody Yahtzee! First roll! And on sixes! This is... rare! Needless to say, I was happy! 

  Then it was Lee's turn. He was not happy about my score. Then again, who would be? I got a Yahtzee, first roll! But I know Lee. That chunky monkey don't give up! He rolled his first dice.... one six. He saved the six. He rolled his remaining four dice.............. and would you believe it? HE couldn't even believe it..... they were ALL sixes! He got a Yahtzee on the first roll too. WITH SIXES!!! I am a seasoned Yahtzee veteran, but I have never seen anything like this before!! Needless to say, I was amazed! 

  Then, it was Jacob's turn. His first roll was pathetic. He got nothing. Second roll... nothing. Third roll...... a combination of numbers I'm scared to even mention. He got five sixes in ONE roll. Lee and Jacob were excited about the coincidence. Me, personally, was bloody terrified!

  My worries didn't take too long to become apparent! At first it sounded like one of my good friends were just simply releasing some excess gas. But soon it was apparent, this was not normal! The room began to rumble, then shake, then pretty much fall apart!!!

  At first we thought that it was just coming from outdoors, but two seconds later, all Hell (literally) broke loose! A huge column of fire shot right up from the middle of the table. At first I was terrified, then I was pissed off because that pesky, pain in the arse column of light took my Yahtzee board AND my favourite dice. I was gutted. The fiery column burned for what seemed like hours. All that Lee, Jacob and I could do was sit back, eyes wide and mouths agape. Just before our collective retinas began melting, the column disappeared. We looked at each other in disbelief and eventually breathed a sigh of relief. Then shit got serious!

  From out of the burning hole that was left by the fiery erection rose a spectre, a demon, if you like. At first I thought it was my niece, Molly. It certainly looked like her, bright pink... well, red. Then it talked with a gravelly voice that sounded like they smoked eighty a day, then I was convinced it was Molly. It was only when it spoke with an eloquent tongue that sounded incredibly well educated that I knew it couldn't be Molly.

  "Ey up lads, how's it diddling?" He said as the three of us sat silent, in shock. Not so much because Satan himself (he was unmistakable; horns, abs, pecs, y'know) was talking to us, but more because he was, and probably still is, northern! Obviously we said nothing!

  "Now then," he said, seemingly unsurprised by our failure to respond, "you lot have just done the bloody unthinkable! You got three Yahtzees in a row... without cheating! Not only that but they were all sixes! Needless to say, I am more than impressed!"

  I was the first to respond, trying not to cry or run away, "Cheers pal, but I have done it many times before!"

  "Don't lie fella," he replied, "I read your blog, I know that for all your Yahtzee obsession, you're actually quite shit at Yahtzee!"

  It's a dark day when Satan himself calls you shit. I shut up instantly after that!

  "What IS that bloody stench?" Satan asked, sniffing like someone had just trodden in a huge dog turd. Jacob, quivering with fear, raised his hand.

 "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, it was m-m-me..." Jacob answered.

  Satan sniffed a bit closer to where Jacob was sitting but he quickly retreated. "You dirty git! You do know that we have toilets these days!"

  Lee let out a chuckle. It WAS funny. But Satan shot him a glance and the smile quickly faded.

  "Anyway, I'm not here to scare you all... although I'm quite proud that I did. And with such little effort. I'm here because you summoned me. Yep, that's right you wet wipes! When you all got the old Yahtzees of six, you called non-other than Beelzebub himself. So..." he clapped his hands, which sounded like an earthquake, "what do ya want?"

  We all just looked at each other in disbelief at what we were hearing. None of us even knew how to respond!

  "Come on lads, I'm on a tight schedule! I've got to annoy some Christians at three!"

  Jacob was the first to speak up, he said, "Can I be ridiculously lucky at Yahtzee?" Satan just shook his head with a massive grin on his face, "Now come on lad," he responded, "you've already asked for that, don't be greedy!"

  Lee and myself gave each other a knowing glance. The kind that says that we both knew all along!

  Jacob shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. Partly because he had just been rumbled but also because he had a particularly stubborn case of worms so his bumhole was itching terribly. "Okay then," Jacob murmured, still scratching at his brown eye, "Would it be possible for me to be really really good at raids in World of Warcraft?"

  Satan cocked his eyes and sighed a breath of pure annoyance.

  "Really?" He said as he shook his head, "You asked for that an' all! Y'know what? You're disqualified ya cheeky git! You've had two requests and to be honest I shouldn't have even given you a chance at a third!"

  Jacob shrunk down into his seat after Satan's last remark. But it wasn't so much out of fear! It seemed more like a toddler not getting his way. Classic Jacob!

  Before Satan could even cast his eyes towards Lee, he proclaimed, "I want to be the greatest Chess Grand Master the World has ever seen!"

  Satan looked a little befuddled. He turned towards Lee, "I thought Yahtzee was your game..." He inquired.

  Lee gave a bit of a shifty look and said, "well it is, but it's just that I've been playing a lot of Chess lately..."

  Satan nodded, knowing exactly what he was getting at! "You dirty little turncoat! I know men like you! The first whiff of something new and yer knickers are 'round yer ankles like a cheap hooker hosting a buy one get on free! I'll grant your wish! But don't expect me to ever look you in the eye again!"

  Lee only seemed to hear the bit about him getting his wish and nothing of the rest. He was as happy as a pig in shit!

  Finally, Satan turned his horny head towards me. I'll be honest, I had all the time while he was talking to Jacob then Lee, but I still didn’t know what I was going to say! My mind was blank!

  "So," Satan began, "Mr. Yahtzee Master, you were all lucky enough to roll the Yahtzee of Six, so, let me know fella, what is it that YOU want? As if I couldn't guess!"

  I scrunched my face up towards him, as I honestly had no idea what he was on about. Satan wasn't buying it.

  "Come on," he started, "We all know that you are Mr. Yahtzee, you host the blog, organise the Matches and Competitions, but the truth is, when it comes to Yahtzee prowess, my big red bellend has more of it!"

  That hurt. No, I mean, that REALLY hurt! He saw that and smirked! "What lad? It's not like I'm lying is it? But it's okay! Chill out fella, I can make it all better. Just let me know and I can make you the best Yahtzee player on the planet! All the glory will be yours. You will be loved. Adored and yes... even though it is only Yahtzee... FAMOUS!"

  I thought for a minute. That was certainly a tempting offer! But the more I thought about it the more I realised that my "glory" wouldn’t be real. So I stood up with a face full of defiance and an extremely furrowed brow and I pointed directly at Satan and said:

  "How dare you think that I would accept the easy way out! I may play Yahtzee like a double legged amputee runs a marathon, but by God, yes GOD, it's honest! So you can take your dirty offers and your pathetic attempts to own my soul and just piss off! Yeah, you heard me, just piss right off! Who the Hell (HaHa) do you think you are? Get of with ya you overcooked cockhead.................... unless.......... you could give me an extra five inches?"

  Satan was shocked at first but then he smiled at me and gave me a wiink. And with that he was gone!

  We never saw Satan again after that night. Jacob is still ridiculously lucky at Yahtzee and ridiculously Mid at World of Warcraft. Lee is now a Grand Master at Chess but nobody wants to play with him and I now have a six inch penis, but nowhere to put it!

  Moral of the story? Be careful what you ask Satan for, he's a sneaky git!