Results
1. Claire - 279 (11pts)
2. Lee - 272 (10pts)
3. Neil - 269 (9pts)
4. Jacob - 249 (8pts)
5. Millie - 245 (7pts)
6. Chloe - 226 (6pts)
7. Russell - 224 (5pts)
8. Kerrie - 211 (4pts)
9. Faith - 191 (3pts)
10. Grace - 188 (2pts)
11. Chris - 186 (1pt)
Summary
So, picture the scene, which will be quite easy if you happened to read last week's League summary; I managed to get myself a mere one point away from top spot, currently held by my crusty father. All I needed to do was finish above him this week and I would be king of the hill. Top of the League! So what transpired? Well, let me tell you, dear readers...
Claire took top spot, a very rare thing these days for Claire, but in her defence she was reletively sober. Another rare occurrence, she also found herself sat next to Jacob, who, if you recall, was Claire's love interest in a previous post. And do you know what the trully scary part of it was? I think Jacob sat there intentionally. I believe he's warming to the idea of a bit of man vs. Shrek action. He's a braver man than me! She moves up from fourth in the table to third.
Lee came second in the match, another great position from someone you wouldn't expect to get one (these days). He did get rather drunk in the week before the match and he ended up in a gay bar. He also ended up throwing up all over himself, but before that, who knows, perhaps he got a little action, back entrance edition and perhaps this is what has put him in a good mood. We can only speculate, but Millie was a bit moody, then again, she always is... Lee moves up from joint seventh in the League to joint sixth.
Neil came third in the match. What on earth is going on?! Since when did Mr. "How do I play" finish anywhere near the top half? Come to think of it, Neil has been in an oddly pleasant mood of late, I wonder why? Is he getting some marital satisfaction? Highly unlikely! Is he getting it somewhere else? Still pretty unlikely. Drugs? Possible. Yeah, drugs, we'll go with drugs and we'll assume it's Crack. The Crackhead moves from joint seventh in the League down to eighth.
Jacob finished fourth in the match. An improvement over his last few performances. This time I think I know what's going on. Like I said, he actually chose to sit next to Claire, so I think he's found "the one", the chances of Claire reciprocating, however, is unlikely. She is a great user of men, she picks them up when drunk, chews them up and spits them out. My point being, I think Jacob has missed his chance. He might be disappointed when he learns this, but what he should know is that he's dodged a massive bullet. Jacob, go for someone better looking with a better personality, like Sasquach. He remains fifth in the League.
Millie finished fifth in the match. A fine position, for Millie. I was pleased to see that there was absolutely zero difference in her temperament. She was the same sullen, quiet, young Welsh person she had always been and for once that was a source of comfort to me. She played as if the world may come to an end at any minute, which is how she always plays. What bliss! She moves up from eleventh in the League to tenth.
Chloe finished sixth in the match. She was whining and moaning, not only for the entirety of the match but for the entirety of the evening. So clearly nothing about her personality had changed. This is strange, as I thought of all the people in our faction to have a spring in their step it would be Chloe. She is still in frequent contact with the Turk she met on holiday. Things seem to be taking a turn for the steamy. Apparently she's going back to see him later in the year and I bet she ends up bringing him home. You heard it here first! Chloe moves from sixth in the League on her own to joint sixth with Lee.
Russell, my nemesis, finished seventh in the match. This, on any other day would be a great position for him to finish... for me. He didn't even play that bloody well. Anyway, I guess being the writer of these summaries I have to remain somewhat unbiased. If you want to know what I truly think, visit any pub toilet in West Yorkshire. He's also offering rim jobs at half price, you'll find his phone number in the toilets too. He remains first in the League... Twat.
Kerrie came eighth in the match. It's been hard to judge her outward composure as she's been a bit bloody absent of late. But, to her credit, she has kept up with the matches, submitting her scores in an incredibly timely manner, which is more than can be said for some of our other troglodyte absentees! She does, however, fall from third in the League down to fourth.
Faith finished ninth in the match. Which, miserable as it may be, is actually a pretty good position for her to finish. She has had a bit of a dismal League thus far. This is, in my humble opinion, greatly frustrating. Trouble is, she always has a thousand things going through her mind at any one time. Top of her list seems to be how best to next have a go at me, but she does have much more important things on her list too. If she could only learn to compartmentalise a little bit more effectively, I'm sure she would do a lot better. She moves down from tenth in the League to eleventh, bottom of the pile.
Grace came tenth in the match, not an optimal for the newly Welshified. She may also have other things on her mind. She has just recently cast off the shackles of menial bar work and dove feet first into the lapping flames of childcare. Good on her, although the Welsh should be aware that their children will become sassy blonde younglings with a dry Yorkshire wit and a broad accent to match! She moves down in the League from joint seventh down to ninth.
And then there was me. Dead. Flipping. Last. All I needed to do was stay one step ahead of my old man and I would have taken the lead! But no, the Yahtzee Gods decided to a great biblically sized turd on me once again! I played like a quadruple amputee with an itchy bum hole. Nothing went my way and I ended up submitting the worst score ever in the history of the BHO, well, for me! In fact, I can't remember the last time I came last in the League! I'm sure it's happened, but not for a good, long while. I remain second in the League. But I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRST GODDAMN IT!!!
League Table as of 17/08/25
1. Russell - 84pts
2. Chris - 79pts
3. Claire - 77pts
4. Kerrie - 74pts
5. Jacob - 73pts
=6. Chloe - 63pts
=6. Lee - 63pts
8. Neil - 62pts
9. Grace - 55pts
10. Millie - 50pts
11. Faith - 49pts
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