Results
1. Chris - 316 (11pts)
2. Kerrie - 275 (10pts)
3. Grace - 268 (9pts)
4. Russell - 243 (8pts)
5. Neil - 242 (7pts)
6. Millie - 225 (6pts)
7. Lee - 204 (5pts)
8. Jacob - 200 (4pts)
9. Chloe - 193 (3pts)
10. Claire - 192 (2pts)
11. Faith - 183 (1pt)
Summary
AND THE LEAGUE HAS RETURNED!!!! Yeah, maybe that was a little dramatic, it's only been a fortnight, but I was happy, let's leave it at that. This match began at last week's birthday shenanigans for Claire and, at the time of writing, has only just been concluded... annoying, but that's why I created split matches, right? Anyway, it's taken long enough to get this match done, so let's just get to it.
I came first in the match, despite the influx of cider, scrumpy and Sex On The Beach cocktails that I had imbibed, and from the results (no, I cannot remember the match) I did pretty bloody well. I am never one to get cocky, but my shift in luck has certainly seemed to have taken a turn for the better! And it's lasted for a while (famous last words). Long may it last as well! I remain second in the League but catching up to first!
Kerrie, sober, came second in the match with a very nice score. She made good decisions and used fantastic critical thinking. In fact, all this time I thought she was being distracted by her phone, watching crap on TikTok and shopping, but maybe, just MAYBE, she's using her phone to research probabilities. Hmmmmm. I think the Yahtzee Gaming Commission may need to look into this. She remains third in the League.
Grace came third in the match, all the way from the land of sheep and weird cheese on toast. Ironically, at this time, Lee and Millie, our fellow competitors were also there while she played this match. Not relevant, but I thought I'd mention it. Oh, shut up, it's my blog, I'll waffle if I wanna. Anyway, she played well and ended with a decent score. Unfortunately, she moves from joint seventh in the League to seventh on her own.
Russell came fourth in the League with a score that could have been better, but it was still respectable. He may have been distracted. Not by the past this time but by watching Neil cook on the barbecue, but we'll get to that. He remains first in the League, but the old boy is losing ground.
Neil came fifth in the match, who played a little later due to the fact that he was the grill "King" that night. By which I mean he would grab the chicken thighs with both hands, put them on the barbecue, pick his arse, then his teeth, then grab more chicken thighs. What can I say? He thinks hand washing is a conspiracy created by Johnson & Johnson to boost soap sales (calm down, I'm joking...). He falls from joint seventh in the League down to eighth.
Millie, fresh from her trip to the land of dragons and incest to see her family, came sixth in the match. This is actually a pretty good result for her, it's about time she started putting in a shift. Shae has not done very well throughout the whole of this League, which is a shame, but I'm sure she could do a whole lot better if she'd just concentrate. But like a few of our competitors, she is very easily distracted. But she doesn't get distracted by her phone or anything like that, she distracts herself! I don't know if it's a Welsh thing or an ADHD thing. Why don't you decide? Unfortunately she remains last in the League, but she's headed in the right direction.
Lee, another weary traveller from the land of that God awful TV show "Gavin and Stacey", came seventh in the match. Luckily, Lee is nothing like that arrogant tub of his own lardy self worth, James Corden, which is an absolute gift for all involved. He's a lovely lad, our Lee. A bit quirky in the bedroom department, but aren't we all? Most of our Faction's idea of quirky is lights on or off, while Lee's is "where do you want the light sticking?". But, I'm not here to judge. I'm only joking, everyone around him loves him, as long as he stays within the limits that were approved beforehand by the Courts. Anyway, I'm getting off track. He didn't play a fantastic in the match. This could be fatigue, or he could have caught a dose of the Welsh while he was there, I don't know. He's waiting on the test results. He remains ninth in the League.
Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. He started with so much promise. Now he's slowly sliding, like cow shit from a farmer's shovel, ask the Welsh. I'm joking, calm down, and I have been joking all along! I love the Welsh. They have contributed so much to civilisation, like... er... and... urr... but don't forget...... Anyway, we're talking about Jacob, yeah, Jacob, the new mouth. The WunderKind that came along and told us all he was going to take the BHO by storm. To be honest it's been more like drizzle. Well, this week, he played like an armless man in a masturbating contest. But, I still have faith in him (I want her back, by the way, Jacob). He does improve his position in the League from fifth all the way to the dizzy heights of fourth. Good work, you chiseled Amazonian masterpiece.
Chloe, well, don't get me started. You see, Chloe is a smart cookie. And I mean smart. Not the type of smart you say about your mate's kids when you actually think they're a bit simple. No, smart smart. As you know, we had to split this match up. Chloe had to play Neil. And she lost... out... bloody... rageous... she finished ninth in the match. But the true heartbreak was the fact that she lost to Neil. She is so much better than this, even if Neil does have a pink tennis outfit. She thankfully remains sixth in the League. Get a grip Chloe!
Claire came tenth in the match, which was hardly surprising as it was her birthday bash and she was absolutely caning the Carlsberg. When Claire gets drunk, and I'm not talking about the normal, slurring her words and dribbling type of drunk we're so used to dealing with, I'm talking biblically pissed, she has a tendency to get a bit "touchy". I won't go into too much detail as this blog would require you to provide ID age verification if I did, but suffice it to say that the next time we see Jacob, he will be wearing a chastity belt. All this is to say that she was a bit busy trying to tame Jacob's trouser python to concentrate on the game. She falls from fourth in the League down to fifth, ironically underneath Jacob, which is exactly where she was trying to get, the trollop.
Faith, regrettably, came last in the match. It seems the way of things lately. She too had partaken in the consumption of Satan's Evian that particular night, but she is an incredibly self controlled human being, one would think she was a conservative Christian if they didn't know her better. But I can testify that she is definitely no nun. In fact my poor sphincter can testify to that also. She is a quiet woman with a dark core, and we all know that they are the ones to watch out for! She remains tenth in the League.
League Table as of 02/08/25
1. Russell - 70pts
2. Chris - 67pts
3. Kerrie - 65pts
4. Jacob - 57pts
5. Claire - 56pts
6. Chloe - 55pts
7. Grace - 52pts
8. Neil - 50pts
9. Lee - 47pts
10. Faith - 42pts
11. Millie - 36pts
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