The rise of the BHO: Lee’s story

 

Introduction

  Hello folks! Hope all is fine and dandy! And if not, that’s all about to change because today you’ve been blessed with another guest post! This post will be covering my somewhat pleasant time at the BHO, right from the very beginning… 

  But just a slight explanation though before I begin… I actually hadn’t been very arsed about writing a post regarding my time with the BHO, and have actually been pushing for a sub category of blog posts about my time playing chess as a Yahtzee player, but Uncy Bush just simply will not allow it. Prick. But then I saw Jacob’s guest post, and quite frankly I couldn’t allow that four eyed goblin slaying cock swab to get the last laugh after slandering my excellent post. You see, I have an unbeknownst rivalry towards Jacob, and much like my uncle I view him as an intellectual opponent that l like to challenge at every opportunity. It started with Yahtzee, it’s continued with chess, and now I’m challenging him through our, albeit meaningless, ability to write blog posts. 

Act 1 - That Fateful Night

  I don’t view myself as the creator of the BHO, that title is bestowed to Billy Big Bollocks himself, Christopher. But I do however view myself as the catalyst of what would soon come. It all began on a night like any other, I had arrived at Chris’s to get absolutely arseholed and huff Amyl nitrate which was a common occurrence way back when (because unlike Choir Boy Jacob, I've conquered all my temptations by giving into them all and now I do what the f**k I want!). But anyways this time was different, as when I stepped foot into that sauna of a house I was not greeted with a bottle of the finest DV8 and a tipsy uncle, I was instead greeted by 5 pitch black dice, with glimmering golden pips. Then came that fateful question that I’m sure many of you have heard… “Have you ever heard of a game called Yahtzee?”. To which I replied, “Yes, yes I have”.

  It began with learning the rules and how to fill each of those 13 perfect little score boxes, and after learning… I was ready! My first challenge was against non-other than the top Pob impersonator himself, Christopher.

  That first match was eye opening, I was a natural! Roll after roll I was filling in box after box, even achieving a Yahtzee (to Chris’s dismay). I had beaten my tutor already, and if I’m honest it was similar to achieving my first orgasm or my first high, and it was enthralling, but it was still like no other feeling. But to be fair to Chris, he was also just beginning his journey with Yahtzee, we were both crisp Yahtzee virgins in retrospect and we had finally gotten laid. After such an astonishing experience, the night continued as I had originally planned, I got rat-arsed, sniffed amyl nitrate like a priest with his choir boys (Jacob) and journeyed home with a gleam in my eyes, I felt like Charlie pulling that golden ticket, a new man!

  The next day arrived, and the night before arrived with it. I was ready to share my new found knowledge with the other dwellers of my home. I started with my lovely pudgy girlfriend Millie, I showed her the ropes and before I knew it… she was hooked! I felt like George Perry catching that damned 10kg Bass. I had spread knowledge, and it was spread effortlessly as after Millie learned, next came Claire and she learned quicker than us all! (It wasn’t without a mountain of arse kickings from myself though). Claire actually went on to be the BHO’s first ever League Champion! It was like the Great Fire of London localised in my house the way Yahtzee was spreading, it didn’t take any time at all for each dweller to learn the game: Chloe, Molly AND James were all skilled players in no time. And Neil is still getting there. 

Act 2 - The Creation of the BHO

  After the fire spread, it came time to build from the ground up! A good few of us were craving something greater from this game, we were sweating like an addict going cold turkey. We wanted. NO! We NEEDED a real way to test our useless newfound abilities to roll hunks of plastic (occasionally wood) and assign them to a score box. And that’s when Christopher proposed a Yahtzee Organisation to me, I was amazed by the idea bestowed upon me by this crusty little man, I had no choice but to tag along for the ride! After I agreed it was a good idea and should go ahead, it was then proposed to the rest of our little ragtag group of dice rollers, although not everyone joined at first despite knowing how to play. But regardless, for those that did welcome it with open arms it was viewed as a way to challenge each other, make enemies, form alliances and most importantly feel a sense of accomplishment doing so. We liked the idea and decided to give it a shot! He later came up with the name “The BHO Yahtzee Organisation” which consists of initials compiled of the original member's last names: “BUSH”, “HOGGARTH” and “OLIVER”. We were sold. Not only were our ravenous cravings fed into like addicts on Methadone day, we were given a real place along with recognition within the community we made. I especially took to it, I was creating logos, contributing ideas and pushing the game further, I became Chris’s Right Hand Man! Even pushing that lanky streak of piss miles out of arms reach.

  The creation of the BHO brought us our first dirty little desire... a league! I actually like to refer to the first league as the “Amateur League” as we were all still starting out on our journeys, and this league became the most crucial learning experience for us all. We were all pitted against each other having to put our new found knowledge to the test and attempt to fight our way to the top! Mother against Son, Father against Daughter, Uncle against Nephew, Brother against Sister! It was an all out war! To everyone’s surprise, the first league ended with Claire as our first ever League Champion (as previously mentioned) and that only fuelled everyone’s desire to win even more! I actually saw Russell shooting up steroids in the hopes of having a “stronger roll” as he put it (he’s since left the substance abuse behind and is receiving help from his bank to prevent further damage). I too indulged in my own form of enhancers, the Devil's Lettuce as it so happens… I did it in the hopes of enhancing my mind, seeing the bigger picture and strategies nobody else would have thought of (my hopes were never a reality, and like Russ, my bank is also helping me with my own substance abuse).

Act 3 - The Golden Age

  We were onto our second league! And surprisingly we also saw the arrival of two new members! For better or worse we got the ever lacking Morton Munter herself… MOLLY! Followed by everyone’s favourite Chicken Legged Troglodyte… NEIL! It may have only been two members (not exactly an army), but hey, it was better than a swift kick in the balls, although Miles the Menace had opted out of this League which was pretty close. League Two also saw the scoring system change, and I must admit it was a fine and dandy change indeed, which allowed players a better chance at catching up to others and jumping to that ever so succulent and sweet top spot! I believe the Second League was our most competitive league, we were excited, all bouncing at the chance of redemption from our first league scores and all of us were raring and ready to go! It felt like the Golden Twenties (for Germany).

  I personally had something to prove… how could have the BHO's catalyst himself have done so poorly the first time round? How could I have let my clutch of victory be weakened and allow it to slip through my fingers? This time I strived for greatness, I strived for the winning position and well…. I didn’t reach it… I was closer than last time though! Coming joint Second with my estranged father, Neil (surprisingly). But yet again I was kicked to the curb by non other than Kerrie! Our second ever League Champion! There’s actually nothing worse than coming second place, I’d much rather be last. Actually, I’d much rather be sticking toothpicks beneath my toenails and kicking the wall than place second. It’s like the universe pushing you into the light just to sucker punch your arse right back out of it!!! 

Act 4 - Mediocrity and Decline

  After my devastating defeat in the second league I was slowly falling into mediocrity… From live matches, to friendlies I was constantly getting my arse handed back to me on a silver platter. I used to be a force to be reckoned with, I used to be a top contender, but everyone’s skills had caught up with mine and I had fallen into a pit of grey, dull, nothingness which resembled the inside Molly's head. The third League was right around the corner and tensions were high, there were talks from members about dropping out from the league, subtle whispers behind everyone’s back. In the end we only lost a single player, which was non other than my maggot resembling sister Molly!

  I was still recovering from two devastating losses, unsure if I could muster up the courage to play in another league… but in the end I found myself crawling back to the League like it was my abusive husband. The third League brought along a few new members, we were met by the Anglo betraying daughter of Christopher, Grace. Although something was off about her though, I could sense a fiery presence within her, but I just refused to acknowledge it. Then there was my own flesh and blood, there to replace Molly was my other halfwit sister, Chloe! And finally there was Jacob, Lord Luck himself coming to prove his worth. It began… League Three went on to be the most bloody, the most violent, and the most heated League in the BHO's history! I remember the night Claire punched Jacob so hard that she dislodged his eyeball leaving him permanently disfigured and stuck with a second pair of eyes! 

  For me, this time around I felt there was something in the air, a sense of division amongst us met with the ever looming thought of another loss. So it was clear I had to push, I had to prove my worth once more, show these mongrels what for!!! And this time around… I did even worse, I wasn’t even thrown a goddamn bone! I came 5th, the worst I had ever come thus far, pushing me further into that pit of mediocrity. League three actually saw the rise of one of the BHOs greatest powerhouses, Baldy McGee himself. Russell! He came first and was dubbed our third ever League Champion.

  While the BHO was enduring constant growth, the roots were beginning to rot... Members slowly started becoming increasingly hostile towards each other and even more talk about stepping down from the League had arisen, and our very own Leader had begun spiralling into tyranny! 

Act 5 - Chaos and Hope

  At this point in our story the BHO had faced many challenges, from building it from the ground up, to overcoming the conflicts between us but nothing compared to our current situation… Christopher… Yes our very own leader had begun spiralling into madness, one fuelled by control and power and the cracks were showing (surprisingly it wasn’t his crusty arse crack). He ignored democracy, he ignored the voice of the people, he let Yahtzee take over his essence like heroin in his veins, he simply had to be stopped and what better way to do this than destroying him in the quick witted game of Yahtzee!

  League Four Commenced, and like every other leagues before, it brought new members! We were Joined by everyone’s favourite drunkard dimwit Lily! Followed by our second Welsh national (who is responsible for Grace's betrayal of her fellow Englishman), Jordan, and finally there was my chunky, low spirited brother, James! But it didn’t end there as this league brought the return of Molly AND Miles! It was our biggest league yet! Fifteen players, all aiming for that top spot! My goals however didn’t match my fellow players, my goal was to knock Adolf... I mean Chris off of his pedestal. And that’s exactly what happened! I got to watch as Christopher, Mr. Yahtzee himself was thrown right into ninth place, it wasn’t as far as I had hoped, but it deemed his power over Yahtzee as UNWORTHY (although I didn’t do much better having placed fifth yet again)!

  But my efforts weren’t enough to stop his reign of terror, to stop his war on democracy, or release him from the clutces of Yahtzee! But this league brought us a new hope, Grace! Grace placed first and did remarkably well throughout the entire Fourth League, she outshined her father, and thus lead an unintentional war against his tyranny. Could she be what the BHO needs? Could she bring an era of hope? An era of fairness? Could the Princess of Yahtzee show her father the path to redemption, a path we can all follow? Until then we will all bide our time. Until then we will cling to the hope that has emerged as Grace. I believe in Hope, I believe in Grace!