Results
1. Molly - 416 (16pts)
2. Chloe - 364 (15pts)
3. James - 275 (14pts)
4. Russell - 274 (13pts)
5. Kerrie - 270 (12pts)
6. Lee - 257 (11pts)
7. Chris - 252 (10pts)
8. Millie - 250 (9pts)
9. Neil - 241 (8pts)
10. Jacob - 223 (7pts)
11. Miles - 210 (6pts)
12. Faith - 191 (5pts)
13. Grace - 188 (4pts)
14. Lily - 172 (3pts)
15. Claire - 162 (2pts)
16. Jordan - 140 (1pt)
Summary
And the 1st of November (sort of) came about and that heralded the start of the biggest and bestest League the BHO has ever held! 16 warriors, all hungry to be champion, began battling it out to be the Jimmy Big Bollocks of League Four! Obviously it's far too early to tell who exactly that is going to be, but I sense great things this time around... I can foresee this being an absolute free-for-all skirmish to the very end, and nothing illustrates my feelings more than this match. If I could offer just a brief synopsis, it would be: "Ouch... Mummy, noooo!!!"..... Make of that what you will...
Molly... Molly... Yes, MOLLY, came first in the match!! She appeared in the second League and kind of muddled her way through, primarily because she is constantly hungover but also because she finds it practically impossible to do anything on a regular basis, exept for drinking and throwing up. So she didn't really do that well. But that was then! I did, somehow manage to convince her to join us in the League this time around also, and she agreed... obviously! I did not, however, expect a start like this amazing score. BUT, we do need to contain ourselves, it is the first match and she is a bit of a mess. If this form continues I will be absolutely gobsmacked. If not, then, y'know... it's Molly! She is currently first in the League.
Chloe, another... relative noob, came out of nowhere and took second in the match with a fantastic score! But this time I am actually pleased. This poor ugly duckling (we're still waiting for her to turn in to a swan) has had a lot on her mind recently. She has been incredibly busy at work and she has just moved away from her family home. She is also a tad mental so she can also be prone to a few bouts of over-reactiveness! But, by god, she put all that aside on this particular evening because it was a fine score. Maybe Yahtzee is just the remedy (or distraction) that she needs to help her get through the perils of everyday life... I doubt it... but still. She is currently second in the League.
James, ANOTHER FLIPPING LEAGUE NOOBIE!... ahem... sorry... Came third. It was not quite the barnstorming score of the previous two wenches (who just so happen to be his sisters. Isn't it always the way?), but let me tell you, third is a bloody good place to start! I do like James, he is definitely one of my favourite nephews, but he has developed a bit of a bad habit. Now, you see, I am an ageing man, but I still like toys. James has a lot of them. Especially Batman and Pokemon themed toys. He also had a mountain of them that he never even looked at, let alone played with. So I asked if I could have them, and he said... no. So over the previous month he has fleeced me out of every cent I posess just to get these toys! BAD NEPHEW!!... Good businessman. He is third in the League.
Fourth in the match is definitely someone you have heard from before. He is a veteran of every single war you can think of and League 3's Champion, Russell. He finished behind James by a mere ONE point! OUCH! But that's the way it goes sometimes. Russell knows this more than most. In fact, opnce upon a time, Russell was a budding actor. He was pretty bloody good at it too. Anyway, he got called for an audition and old Rusty Bob got there as fast as he could. I'm pleased to say the audition was a complete success! Only trouble was, the person that came in after him was none other than Marlon Brando and he is now forever known as Don Corleone, my daddy was SO close!! This was something my father could never get over. So much so that he gave up on his acting career right then and there! But don't worry about it Russell, you'll always be our Don! He finds himself fourth in the League.
Kerrie slid herself quite comfortably into fifth place in the match. She is, by now, a seasoned Yahtzee veteran and she realises that the League is a marathon, not a sprint, and she isn't about to blow her (metaphorical) beans in the first few matches. She knows that it takes patience and persistence if you wanna be a champion... and a whole lot of swearing if things go tits up! She is fifth in the League.
Lee finished sixth in the Match. You may think that this is a bit of a middling result, but I have noticed a change in Lee during the weeks we have been away from the Yahtzee board. He seems to have developed a rebellious streak, he seems a lot more reluctant to put up with other people's crap. On the one hand, I say good for you, pal! Don't let the bastards grind you down! On the other hand, I'm a bit worried that this newly found attitude might make it's way into his gameplay and he might become a kind of Yahtzee super villain. Only time will tell... He is sixth in the League.
I came seventh in the Match. A disappointing League debut for yours truly! Mind you, anything less than first place is a disappointment to me, so you can imagine that I tend to be disappointed quite a lot!! But hey now! It's the start of League four! It's far too early to be thinking like that! Yes it is still early (well, extremely early) in the League to be getting so despondent, but if I had an pound for every Chinese Burn I gave myself after a crummy result, I would be drinking Hennessey with all those beautiful tanned rappers in LA. But alas, I don't. I'm seventh in the League.
Eighth place in the Match was my favourite young lady that does not hail from our fine lands, Millie. To be fair, she wasn't far away from taking my position from me, which is another reason I was a bit concerned. Millie does not have a great track record in these Leagues, but if I have to be honest, and I mean HAVE to be honest... like, gun to my head type of honest, then I do have to say that she has shown much improvement in her matches of late, certainly in the latter quarter of League Three, so who knows, this could be her season... I hope not. Primarily because I don't want anyone to win except myself. Selfless as that is. She is eighth in League.
Jew McGrew, or Neil, to most people, came ninth in the Match. Now, it's hard to say whether this was a good result or a bad one. Again, I guess time will tell. What I mean though, is that Neil can either play really good or like absolute dog ploppy! You never really know what you're going to get, so it's hard to predict how his League will turn out! It could be amazing. It could be trash. But I know at least Claire... er... Lee... Hmmmmm... Molly... arghh... SOMEONE, yeah, someone will be rooting for him this season... just don't ask who. We love you really, Neil... well... again... someone does... He's ninth in the League. Bless him.
Jacob, the pointy skeletoned, crochet needle weilding, harbinger of all things nerdy came tenth in the match. It might not have been a great result for him, but I could certainly see the determination in his eyes. He must be feeling as if he has let a few Championship badges pass him by at this point. When he first joined the BHO, he was a behemoth! He couldn't put a foot wrong! In fact, he possesses the record for the most live matches won to date, and it's twice as much as the next fella... ahem... me. But he just can't seem to score when it counts. Much like his love life! But, honestly Jacob, try Tinder! Not nannyneedsahip.com! He is tenth in the League (surely these League positions are a bit bloody obvious by now!).
Miles, my moody teenaged son, who actually agreed to be sociable this year... came eleventh. Not great. Depending on how you look at it, it might not actually be his fault. For you regular readers, you will remember that his hair has been a bit... "wild" lately. Well, at the moment it's actually quite tidy on the top, back and sides. But it's the FRINGE!!! It is out of control! If Miles's fringe was a bridesmaid at a wedding you would be calling it a taxi because it is unruly, it smells and is at risk of putting the bride to shame (I don't know where the last bit fits in with Yahtzee but I thought it was worth mentioning). The real problem is, Miles loves his fringe, but I'm not too sure that it is doing him much good on the Yahtzee board! Primarily because it's almost down to his chin and I'm not sure he can actually see what he is rolling. But, y'know what? That's on him! I'm certainly not gonna coach him on the optimal Yahtzee fashion, or what hair-do will best suit a winning result. That is entirely on him! He is, yes, eleventh in the League.
My adorable (to someone) wife came twelfth in the Match. She is always somewhat of a reluctant competitor and I think this contributes to her often iffy scores. I don't really know why she is so reluctant. If I ask then I just get shouted at, so I don't bother asking. I can't help thinking, however, that if she just committed a few brain cells to the game, she could do SOOOOOOOOO much better! FAITH, I BELIEVE IN YOU!! And in case you were all thinking that I'm saying this just because I'm after some sweaty late night bedroom activity, then you clearly do not know me at all! It's been so long that I've forgotten how to do it!! She is twelfth in the League.
Grace, that daughter of mine, finished thirteenth in the Match. Why anyone of Yorkshire origin would choose to Welshify themselves is way, way, WAY beyond me! But hey ho, she isn't me and I'm not her. And that is actually a good thing! I love the fact that my children are their own people and they make their own decisions! Even if their decisions end up sending them to Wales. But either way, it makes me feel like I've done something right. Well done, Grace, be yourself! Only trouble is, she hasn't been around her good old, and getting older, daddy, long enough to learn the intricacies of Yahtzee! So, she is having to find her own way, like she has with most everything else! But I do hope that she would pay a bit more attention to Yahtzee as she is kind of letting the side down! She is (yep) thirteenth in the league!
Lily, ANOTHER noob, came fourteenth in the Match. We have seen her in some of the more casual competitions, but this is the first time that we have seen her truly commit to a proper Yahtzee battle. Why? Weeeell, it's basically because she is a bit of a mess. It may not surprise you to learn that she is Molly's partner in 100% proof crime... what I am trying to say is that they are pure alcoholics, so they are either too pissed or too hungover to play... but they have made a promise to each other to stay sober long enough to at least play a Yahtzee Match! I admire their attempt. Will it work? No... no, hang on! That is incredibly negative! Lily, if you're trying, I'm behind you! She is fourteenth in the League.
In fifteenth place, was a woman. But before I name her, I just think that this moment needs treating with reverence! When the BHO became a thing, this dirty, girthy, Carlsberg swilling human (you still have no idea, do you? Hahahaha) was actually the dominant force. She(?) was the first creature to procure TWO Championship badges. As much as it annoyed me, she was well deserving of praise. But now, it seems to have all gone to shit! Not only is she now consistently missing out on a Championship, but 97% of the time, she barely shows that she can even rember how to play the blody game!!!! In case you haven't figured it out just yet, Claire is fifteenth in the League... get a grip, woman(?)!
And finally (phew), was Jordan, another noob and another Welsh person(?) came sixteenth. I know Jordan, quite well, I think, unless I've missed some dark fetish! Anyway, even though he's Welsh, and I do like him. In fact, I like him a lot... dangerously so, some might say... so Wales might be a fair distance away from me. For HIS safety. Anyhoo... he gained my respect this evening! Obviously he lives in Wales, as does my daughter, so they played online. It turns out that the whole match was blighted by technical issues. I mean, the poor git got a Yahtzee, and the website (it isn't the greatest, help us) wouldn't let him have it. Now, I always want to win... especially against the mutton botherers, BUT, if something like this happens, I am not happy!. So I contacted Jordan. I told him that he needn't accept the score that he got (as the f**kup was witnessed, so therefore, genuine) and I said he could play his match again. But he he said... NO!! I don't know whether he is not quite sure how Yahtzee works or that he is just a monumental gentleman, but he took his shit score like a man! Jordan, I doth my cap to you, brother!!! He is sixteenth in the League!
Well, that was the first Match! Expect many more! And as much as I love my fellow competitors, I love you casual readers too, so thank you, stay updated and I will see you next time xxx
League Table as of 01/11/25
1. Molly - 16pts
2. Chloe - 15pts
3. James - 14pts
4. Russell - 13pts
5. Kerrie - 12pts
6. Lee - 11pts
7. Chris - 10pts
8. Millie - 9pts
9. Neil - 8pts
10. Jacob - 7pts
11. Miles - 6pts
12. Faith - 5pts
13. Grace - 4pts
14. Lily - 3pts
15. Claire - 2pts
16. Jordan - 1pt
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