I have mentioned the Yahtzee Gods many times during my posts and I bet you thought I was either joking or exaggerating, well let me tell you a little story, you slimy heathens...
For most of my dreary little life I have been a massive skeptic. I'm not claiming to be an intellectual, but I do tend to follow science and rely on peer reviewed, tried, tested and most importantly of all repeatable attempts to answer the big question: "How are we even here at all?" I've never bought the whole God thing and always seen religion as a bit of a fairytale. That is, until I started playing Yahtzee...
As I've mentioned many times, I've played Yahtzee since I was a young 'un. Then I got obsessed with it. But it was just before I created the BHO that I had a vision, a calling, a communication from way beyond the stars, maybe even space and time itself. It was an experience that I will never forget and it changed my life incomprehensibly. Let me take you on a journey.
It was the end of October, 2023, the 31st in fact. That's right, Halloween. I'm sure you're stunned by the originality of that little chestnut. It was the early hours of the morning and I had polished off far too many ciders and I was feeling a tad woobly. I was watching some crap on YouTube and talking to myself, as I'm often known to do. I was giggling to myself, as I so often do at my own jokes, when, from the corner of my eye, I saw a little blink of light from just outside my living room window. It was enough to capture my attention, but not enough to get me off the couch because that takes something truly special. I looked out for a minute, saw nothing, then got back to amusing myself with my own conversation. But it happened a few times after that, and by that point I had finished jabbering, and began to pay attention.
Like I've said, Im not the superstitious type, but I was bored and a bit curious, so I decided to dig out my old Ouija Board. Well, I had nothing else to do, so I played a bit of solo Ouija. I've had it for bloody years and the closest thing I ever got to contacting a spirit was in the Jim Beam I had in the glass next to me while I played it.
Anyway, I played for about a half hour, and, as suspected, nothing. It was only when I told the "spirits" to go and do one that something happened. If I'm being brutally honest, I didn't just tell them to do one, I told them to go and f**k themselves and stick their whispy messages up their stinking, rotten, Walking Dead arses! I believe I may have said the wrong thing.
The lights went out, I farted a little, and it was a little wet. Normally I avoid farting outside the toilet in case something brown happens, but on this occasion it was involuntary. I will say (because I kinda just did) that it wasn't a totally successful fart, but I could certainly afford to check on my undies later. I froze as the silence shrouded me like a blanket. Not a nice blanket either. It was more like one of the blankets that your nan used to knit for you. You know what I mean, it seems all nans have a radar for finding the itchiest, most uncomfortable wool ever made: torture grade wool.
But that's besides the point, I sat there for what seemed like forever, but still, more silence. It was only when I couldn't contain my tickly cough for long enough that the squidgey poo poo really hit the fan! The main light turned back on, instantly, on it's own. Ohhhh, terrifying. But it didn't stop there.
We aren't posh enough to have a dimmer switch, the only thing that gets dim in my house is my son, but on this evening no dimmer switch was necessary. The light got brighter and brighter until I could take no more. I switched the light off... but nothing happened. Until, that is, all I could see was the brightest whitest light. My head felt like it was gonna explode, so much so that I yelled at the top of my lungs for it to stop. Until...
Darkness... once again... I'm not too proud of a man to admit that wet my knickers as well as shit them. A little poop in the undies every now and again is acceptable (right?), but being so scared you wet yourself? Bloody unforgivable. Anyway... silence.
Then, from a haze of fog and stale farts, a face appeared before me. He was terrifying at first, but then he gave me a little wink that told me he either wanted to show me something, or SHOW me something. Thankfully, it was the former. Almost silently I squeaked, tears in my little blue eyes, "who are you...". I'm not too proud to admit that I was terrified. Have you ever listened to Cliff Richard? If you have, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Before I could actually ask if he was Cliff Richard or not, he spoke to me in a voice that sounded like a wrought iron nail being hammered into a coffin lid:
"YOU MY SON, ARE CHRISTOPHER OF BASILDON!"
I thought for a minute, but before I could reply:
"I MEAN BAILDON, HONESTLY, OUR SECRETARY IS USELSS, AND GOOGLE MAPS IS NO HELP... ANYWAY... YOU MY SON, ARE CHRISTOPHER OF BAILDON!"
I nodded, adding a little wee wee to my undie's reserves:
"WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU WITH A KEEN INTEREST! YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN ALMOST OBSESSIVE INTEREST IN THE RELIGION OF YAHTZEE. YOU MERE MORTALS TEND TO SEE IT AS A SIMPLE GAME, BUT YOU, MY BROTHER, ARE DIFFERENT, OR STUPID... WE HAVEN'T DECIDED! EITHER WAY WE FELT IT WAS TIME TO SPEAK TO YOU DIRECTLY!"
I gave my crotch a bit of an itch. It was starting to get a wee bit uncomfortable down there, the amalgamation of yellow and brown excretions seemed to be reacting with each other, which only made matters worse. After a good bit of rummaging, I had made myself relatively comfortable. I thought about what this apparition had just said to me and I certainly had some questions.
But before I could open my sweaty little mouth:
"QUIET, MY BROTHER! I KNOW YOU HAVE MANY QUESTIONS, BUT I'LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE, AS I, MAYNARD, THE YAHTZEE GOD OF VICTORY, HOLD ALL THE ANSWERS! WE, THE YAHTZEE GODS HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU, AND LET ME TELL YOU... WE'RE NOT THAT IMPRESSED. BUT WE HAVE NOTICED YOUR COMMITMENT TO OUR GREAT SPORT (YES, SPORT). YOU MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE THAT GOOD AT PLAYING YAHTZEE, BUT YOUR PASSION CERTAINLY MAKES UP FOR ANY INEPTITUDE YOU MAY HAVE!"
I'll be honest, the more he talked, he started to get on my tits a bit! The cheeky git called me inept, AND he went on a bit. I don't know about you, but I can't stand those people that just prattle on (ha, get it?). I was going to try to move the conversation along. But I needn't have bothered:
"AS I HAVE SAID, NOT THAT I SHOULD BE REPEATING MYSELF Y'KNOW, I AM A GOD AFTER ALL. BUT, HAVING SAID THAT, WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU SINCE THE START AND WE'RE READILY IMPRESSED BY WHAT WE SAW. YOU SEEM TO TRULY CARE AND WANT TO SEE YAHTZEE DO WELL.
"HOWEVER, WE DIDN'T DIDN'T MUCH LIKE THE WAY YOU PLAYED... YOU PERFORM AS WELL AT YAHTZEE AS A NUN DOES IN A GANGBANG. IN FACT, YOU'RE A BIT SHIT! ACTUALLY, NOT JUST SHIT, BUT DREADFUL. YOU REALLY NEED TO STEP UP YOUR GAME. EVEN BLIND ALBINOS ARE BETTER THAN YOU!"
I was now beginning to get a bit bloody agitated. While it might be said that I'm not the greatest player to ever live, and at times my efforts could be described as dismal, I'm pretty sure I could beat a blind albino:
"AND BEFORE TOU GET ANGRY, JUST LISTEN! YES, YOU ARE A BIT CRAP WHEN IT COMES TO ACTUALLY PLAYING YAHTZEE, BUT WE HAVE NOTICED YOUR DEEP COMMITMENT TO IT, LIKE I'VE SAID! THERE IS NOT MANY OF YOU OUT THERE THESE DAYS, SO WE THOUGHT WE'D INTRODUCE OURSELVES!" At that moment, two bright apparitions appeared either side of him/her/they/lettuce, I didn't want to presume:
"I AM MAYNARD, THE GOD OF VICTORY. I WATCH OVER ALL PLAYERS AND DECIDE IF THEY ARE WORTHY OF A VICTORY! THOSE WHO ARE WORTHY WILL RECIEVE GREAT HONOUR. THOSE WHO AREN'T WILL BE SHAMED, AS IF THEY HAD JUST WOKE UP NEXT TO THEIR OWN MOTHER, KNOWING THAT THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!
YOU, MY SON, HAVE HAD YOUR FAIR SHARE OF SHAME! WHICH IS A SHAME... SHAMEFUL. BUT I SUPPOSE WE'LL GIVE YOU A PASS, YOU ARE PRETTY BLOODY ATTRACTIVE! BUT WE DO NEED TO SEE A VAST IMPROVEMENT! REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING: WHETHER YOU ROLL A FOUR OF A KIND, A LARGE STRAIGHT OR THOSE MOMENTS WHEN YOU'RE ALONE WITH YOUR INFLATABLE BUM TOYS!"
I now feel violated. What a fella does with his own inflatable bum toys in the privacy of his own home is his own bloody business:
"ANYWAY. MEET MY COMPADRES. TO MY LEFT IS BERNARD! THE GODESS OF LOSS! YES I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. BERNARD? FOR A GIRL? I GET YOUR POINT! AND I KNOW THAT SHE MAY NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE A GIRL. YOU MAY THINK SHE LOOKS CLOSER TO THAT FEMALE YOU CALL MOLLY! AND YOU'D BE RIGHT! BUT AESTHETICS ASIDE, DON'T YOU DARE UNDERESTIMATE HER! IF EVER YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD OR ARE CLINGING TO THE GRIM HOPE OF AN UNLIKELY VICTORY, SHE WILL BE THERE, TO MAKE SURE IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT HAPPEN! SHE IS ALSO WATCHING WHEN YOU SCRATCH YOUR PERSONAL PARTS AND GO IN FOR A SNIFF... DON'T LIE..."
Reality started washing over me like a cold shower. I KNEW it. I knew there was a reason I got shafted so frequently. I took an immediate disliking to Bernard:
"TO MY RIGHT IS BAZ! HE'S THE GOD OF THAT ANNOYING MOMENT WHEN THAT ONE DIE LANDS OUTSIDE THE BOARD AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED, BUT YOU HAVE TO REROLL IT ANYWAY! HAHAHAHA!!!! YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT AND I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW IRRITATING IT IS! WELL, THAT'S BAZ'S SOLE PURPOSE, TO BE AN IRRITATING TWAT BAGEL. BUT I'M SURE YOU YOU CAN SYMPATHISE WITH THAT, BEING AN ANNOYING PRICK YOURSELF!
By this point, Maynard was beginning to remind me a little bit of a celestlial version of Liam Gallagher! He was so mean! So I finally decided that enough was enough and I spoke up! I said:
"Right. Enough of your claptrap! What is it you actually want with me?! I play your game, but you seem flipping miserable either way, all you've done is give me shit!So, please, just cut the crap and tell me, for the love of Satan's clit, what do you want with me?!
After my mini meltdown, Maynard, the deity/god/arse, actually seemed a little taken aback, they were obviously not ready for it:
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! CHILL YOUR MUDDY KNICKERS! YOU GET ME ALL WRONG, BROTHER! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ARE OUR CHOSEN ONE! YOU HAVE THAT BLIND OPTIMISM AND PASSION FOR THE GAME THAT IS USUALLY ACCOMPANIED WITH ADVANCED AGE. YOU HAVE THE BENEFIT OF RELATIVE YOUTH. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER THAT YOU ARE A BIT OF A MORON. WE HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE THE MORON FOR US! WE NEED YOU TO BRING OTHERS ALONG FOR THE RIDE. FLY THE YAHTZEE FLAG, MOBILISE A YAHTZEE ARMY! AND I SUPPOSE, IF YOU REALLY MUST, YOU CAN BRING THAT LITTLE TROLL THING YOU ARE ALWAYS ASSOCIATING WITH ALONG WITH YOU ALSO. I FORGET IT'S NAME... HANG ON... IT'S COMING TO ME... THAT'S IT! CLAIRE! I KNEW YOU HAD BOTHERED TO NAME IT! ANYWAY WHO CARES, BRING IT ALONG, JUST KNOW THAT WE WILL BE SCRUTINISING EVERYTHING YOU DO. JUST WRANGLE IT IN. WE'VE SEEN THE KIND OF NONESENSE SHE CAN GET HERSELF INTO, AND HONESTLY MATE, IT'S NOT GOOD FOR BUSINESS. SO JUST KEEP AN EYE ON IT WOULD YOU?
By this point, me, and my soiled undies, were on the floor. I was flipping exhausted! I had basically given up and submitted to all the Yahtzee Gods had to tell me:
"SO, MY FRIEND, GO FORTH INTO THE WORLD AND SPREAD THE WORD OF YAHTZEE TO ALL THAT WILL LISTEN. IF THEY DON'T LISTEN, HIT THEM 'TILL THEY DO! FOR THOSE THAT FOLLOW US IN LIFE WILL LIVE AS GODS IN DEATH!"
My fear was briefly replaced by confusion, I raised an inquisitive eyebrow torwards the apparition that had now made himself quite at home by grabbing one of MY beers and sitting on MY bit of couch!
"What do you mean spread the word? That's all I bloody do! I get warned about bringing up Yahtzee before entering people's houses!!"
"YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW. THE PROBLEM IS, THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL YOUR FAMILY! AND YOU HAVE ALREADY GOT THEM PLAYING, NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF A CHORE THEY THINK IT IS! YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE, INTO THE BIG WIDE WORLD! REMEMBER THAT? AND WHEN YOU DO, TRY NOT TO DO IT THE WAY YOU NORMALLY DO IT. BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU'RE A BIT... TEDIOUS. YOU NEED TO SEX IT UP A BIT! YOU NEED TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YAHTZEE IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON... OR OFF, IF THAT'S YOUR THING! YOU NEED TO MAKE PEOPLE REALISE THAT YAHTZEE IS NOT JUST GREAT, IT'S TRANSCENDENT, ORGASMIC, BALL SLAPPINGLY FANTASTIC!"
Feeling a little bit butt hurt from his critique, I swallowed my pride, stood up and gave Maynard a nod.
"I will do as you have asked, Sir, Your Honour... er... God. I will spread the word and unite the masses! I will make them see that Yahtzee is better than the best orgasm you've ever had, better than the best quality alcohol, better than scratching your balls and taking a sneaky sniff! I will make everyone realise that Yahtzee is the way! The only way! And damn their eyes if they don't agree! We will mobilise our people and fight those that disagree! Wars will be fought for thousands of years, but we will prevail! WE... ARE... YAHTZEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
Maynard gave me quite the side eye. It looked as if he was questioning his life choices:
"ER... YEAH... COOL YOUR JETS THERE! THERE'S NO NEED FOR ALL THE RELIGIOUS GENOCIDE! THAT ONLY CAUSES PROBLEMS! JUST BE A BIT MORE CHARMING AND A LITTLE LESS... TRADITIONAL... WE NEED YOU TO CREATE AN ORGANISATION AND ENTICE THEM WITH YOUR NEW FOUND CHARM. REMEMBER, YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN VINEGAR, WE'LL BE KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU. PRAISE YAHTZEE!"
And with that, he was gone. First thing I did was change my undies and got myself a beer. I sat on my couch and got to thinking about all that had just occurred. On the one hand, all I really want to do is sit on the couch with a beer and scratch my balls (with a cheeky sniff), on the other hand, I had been bestowed with a great, nay, celestial honour! As much as I like the easy life, I just couldn't shake the voice of Maynard telling what I must do. I drank on it. Then I slept on it. Then I did that a few more times. When I woke up... without a hangover, eventually... I made my decision. I decided I WOULD spread the word of Yahtzee, far and wide, I would create an organisation of players and play Leagues, Competitions and generally have a gay old time!
As you can tell, I am true to my word! That happened almost two years ago and I am still trying my hardest to get the message out there.
So if you want to become a desciple of the dice, let me know! Comment on this blog, join this blog, join my Facebook group or ask me for an invite to our very own Discord! I'll also be happy to answer any queries you might have, just email me:
bhoyahtzeeorg@gmail.com
PRAISE YAHTZEE!!!
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