The Yahtzee Mafia - The Full Unblemished "Truth"

 

  It started as most things do, innocently. In post war Britain, and I'm talking literally a week or so after we had pummelled the Krauts (don't believe the Americans... they did what they always do: turn up at the end while we're all knackered pretending to be the heroes), when the heroic, triumphant boys of ours cam home from a job well done... were bored stiff! Don't get me wrong, these brave old boys weren't in any rush to get back into battle, but they certainly weren't ready for the mundanity of civilian life. They needed something... ANYTHING! And believe it or not, that's where Yahtzee comes in!

  Now, I'm not pretending that these pioneers invented Yahtzee, they were just the first to organise and play very much like we do today; Leagues, weekly Matches and knockout competitions! They called themselves the POW Yahtzee Organisation. Why? I don't know. Althogh I could hazard a guess! At first they were just a casual collection of people that enjoyed the simple game of Yahtzee. But word soon spread.

  Pretty soon there were Yahtzee groups popping up all over the place! It was a time of serious unrest in the Yahtzee community. We had Groups vying for complete control from all over Yorkshire! There was a Yahtzee group from Lancashire that tried to muscle in at one point, but they were soon stomped out! They finally realised which county ruled at Yahtzee, so they grabbed their Tetley tea bags (eurgh) and went back home with there tails between their legs (and not much else).

  This unrest was a bad time in Yahtzee's history and I'm ashamed to say that blood was spilled and lives were lost! But thankfully it didn't last that long! The many Yahtzee groups tended to battle with dice rather than with their fists or weapons thankfully. Many groups fell by the wayside and eventually the groups that did the best have stayed with us and the groups that played like your nan.... walks, fell into obscurity.

  These days there are now only five major Yahtzee groups, or families, as they like to be known. I'm sure there are still many out there vying for a shot at the big time, but mainly there is just the five!

  First up, obviously, is the BHO Yahtzee Organisation, my very own Organisation. We've worked hard for our credibilty on the "circuit"! I think we've earned it. Are we the best? Not yet. There are some Families that have been around since all this became a thing, so we are technically the new kids on the block! But we've made our mark and we have made some of the old boys quiver at our capabilities! We're definitely coming for them... and they know it!!

  Next up is the HIV Yahtzee Organisation. But please, don't be fooled by the name. They want you to believe that their Family is filled with members that are nothing but lowlifes, crackheads and intravenous drug users! That's what they WANT you to think. But I'm telling you, accept a challenge from these guys and you will see a group of men (and a couple of women) dressed in made to measure suits, Gucci brogues and Rolex watches. They use their name and their so called reputation to scare potential competition away. But what they don't know is that the members of the BHO far surpass their made up reputation, because we ARE lowlives, crackheads and intravenous drug users, so we have nothing to fear! They are certainly a threat within the Five Families, but they are beatable.

  Thirdly is the SSQ Yahtzee Organisation. The SSQ stands for "Sin City Queens". To them, Sin City is the dark streets of Bradford. The group is made up entirely out of women. But not just any women. Women of the night, if you catch my drift! You may be wondering why a group of women that, er, do OnlyFans without the cameras rolling, would bother with Yahtzee. Well, I was wondering too. Turns out, they played a lot of Yahtzee between themselves while they were waiting for "customers". They realised they were actually quite good at it so they decided organise! They can certainly play, but they employ some dirty tactics! Like slinging a tit on the table to put you off your roll. Unfortunately, it works! Bloody men!

  Up next is the PVC Yahtzee Organisation. You might be able to guess why they are called that. But, for those of you that may be a little less quick on the uptake than the rest of us, I'll explain. The PVC-YO have two passions in their life. The most obvious of which is Yahtzee, but I'm not sure it's their main passion. Their second passion is... you guessed it, PVC. If you are not a man/woman/they/shim/wolf/quaver of the world, then you may not know how a passion for PVC could even be a thing. BUT, if you read the kind of magazines I have (in the past) you will know full well how and why it's a thing! Basically, people that share the same interests as the PVC-YO enjoy, and by enjoy, I mean ENJOY (squirt squirt) wearing tight PVC outfits, usually in the shades of black and red. They get together in seedy clubs, or Jacob's front room and get up to things that would even make the Romans blush. But, hey, I'm not judging! Whatever blows your frock up. I just tend to draw the line at them turning up, kitted out and lubed up. To call that a distraction would be an understatement!

  Finally, we have the GCO Yahtzee Organisation, the most troublesome of the five families. Why? Well, I'll tell you. GCO are the initials for "God's Chosen Ones". Need I say more? Yes? Oh, alright then! Well, apart from the BHO, they really are the nicest family out of all the five! They are always pleasant, polite and dignified in defeat. The problem? Firstly, it's the religion. While the BHO is not religious, we have no problem with those that are! But it can be a bit exhausting to hear why we should repent and if we don't we are going to burn in a lake of fire everytime we play. But not just everytime we play, but pretty much from the start of the Match until the very end... It can get a bit much! But this is the least of their problems. Their worst crime, which is truly unforgivable, is that they are first Family since the end of WWII that are from L... Lan... Lancashire! Sorry, I had to stop myself from regurgitating while writing that! But if you can forgive that (I can't, I've tried) then they are truly (except the BHO) the nicest of the five families! IF you can handle all the God waffle!

  So, as described, we are a "community" of five Families and it has been that way for many years. There are many organisations that would love to mix it up with the big boys! But it's just not as easy as playing well and expecting a spot at the big table. Being one of the five Families takes commitment, and I'm not just talking about turning up each week, there is much more to it than that! We have not been accepting new families into the top tier for many, many years, but even if we were, I'm not sure that the prospective families would understand quite what it actually means to be a Family in the Yahtzee Mafia!

  Firstly, your Family may be the best Yahtzee players on the planet, and believe me, we love a challenge, but that just isn't enough! If you are lucky enough to be selected to become a Family in the Yahtzee Mafia, there are some very strict rules you must abide by, but it's not just keeping a promise... you must take an oath, and this can often scare many people away.

  If you were to apply, then get selected, you will be subjected to the ritual of Fice. It's a tradition that goes back centuries. Your Organisation will be collected and dropped off at a secret location. You will be led to a room. In that room will be all the members of the current Families. Additionally, there will be a table that has a dice board and five dice on it. You, and the rest of your organisation will be instructed to roll the dice, in turn. You have three rolls, much like in a regular game of Yahtzee. You will all be told to roll the best score you can. What you won't know is that you will all, individually, need to score at LEAST 30 points. If just one of you fails this, your application will be rejected. The real fun starts if you all succeed. Should you all roll 30 points or higher, the actual ritual of Fice can begin. 

  Upon completion of the introductory portion of the proceedings, Fice begins. Each member will be handed a die that measures no less than one cubic inch. You will be be asked to swallow it with no liquid aid. If you all complete this, you will be fed laxatives. The aim is to make you pass the die from the murkier end of your body. This must be done in full view of all the members of every Family. You must "roll" a score of 3 or above. If just one of you fail, your application will be rejected! If successful, you move on.

  The final part of the ritual is an oath. You cannot fail this, but think hard. This oath is non negotiable, and if you commit, then break it, expect bad things, dire things, to happen!

  Instead of summarising the oath, I will just put it here, just in case you think you have what it takes:

  "You fine people have achieved all that has been asked of you. You rolled the dice, you shat the dice and just like the die you swallowed, you made it out the other end. But that was just the beginning. The Yahtzee Mafia is a conglomerate of the most utmost secrecy. As such, if you choose to join, your participation must remain a secret, to everybody... including yourself! Should you break this oath of secrecy, the consequences do not bare thinking about... but I'll tell you anyway. Should the oath be broken, may your anus explode at a very inopportune moment... like at a funeral. Should the oath be broken, may your farts smell like raspberries but your breath smell like cat turds... from a feline that was roaming Chernobyl in 1986. Should the oath be broken, may your no no square shrivel and become useless... or at least less useful than it was before. Finally, should the oath be broken, may all your future romantic endeavours resemble a dead relative... after death... but you still have to give it a bash anyway. These oaths stay with you for life, there is no walking away. Upon acceptance, Yahtzee is your life, it comes before everything: your husband/wife, your children, your other hobbies... like World of Warcraft. If you have any doubts, now is the time to say. If not. Welcome to the family."

  It's just that easy.

  But there has been some unrest in the last decade or so. Some Families are not happy with where they stand within this thing of ours! It has led to some disputes. I hate to say it, but these disputes have let to some pretty violent scenes. The BHO were once having an inter-organisational one on one with The HIV. We ended up winning. They didn't like that. We did the sporting thing and suggested a rematch. But this held no sway with them. Before you could say sexually transmitted disease they were tooled up; bats, razor blades and 16 inch pink rubber dildos. We were, to say the least, taken aback. This is not why we play! But we are also no pushovers! They stepped to us, so we stepped to them. They may have been wielding implements, but they were wearing them when they left! Some of them internally!

  The Yahtzee Mafia is, or should be, 100% pacifist. But you know how it goes, there's always a few sour apples that spoil the bunch! But this is my fault. Since Henry Bush the fourth (who created the Yahtzee Mafia) died tragically due to a freak accident with a whipper snipper, the onus has pretty much fallen on me to keep the peace. I didn't ask for the job, it was thrust upon me. But I do take the role seriously, so I do my utmost to ensure peace is kept! Just be aware, if your Family is accepted, you may be called upon to dig your knuckle dusters out!!

  Anyway, I've said too much. In fact, I've said way too much. My safety is now at risk because I've said so much... so I hope you scallywags appreciate it!

 

  *DISCLAIMER* - To anyone with a braincell in their noggin, it is quite clear that this is a complete work of fiction written for pure entertainment (my own, mainly), I watch The Sopranos a lot so I though it would be fun! It's a sad indictment that in today's society I would even need to bother with such a disclaimer... but, depressingly, cripplingly, tear inducingly, this is the world we live in! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the post, safe in the knowledge that it is all bollocks, written for the sole purpose of making you chuckle. I hope I have succeeded!