The Black Hole & How Yahtzee Helps - Why Yahtzee Is So Important (To Me)

 

  **Trigger Warning** - This could be too miserable of a post for some. Avoid if so. It's okay, I'll forgive you xx

  In 2019 I was doing okay. I had a good job and no major problems. Then, out of the blue, everything changed. When I say out of the blue, I mean it. I had no Idea what was coming and I was certainly not prepared for how long it would last! Spoler alert: it's still getting on my tits as I write this post!

  So what happened? Well, depression happened. It honestly came out of nowhere, like a Jehovah's Witness that stands in your way when you are already late for the bus. It is true that I have always had my fair share of anxiety but I would never have considered myself prone to depression. In fact, when I was in school and for many years since I was always one of them blokes that would always be relied on to be in a good mood. But oh, how that has changed.

    Many people have asked me what tipped me over the edge at that specific time, what went wrong. The God's honest truth is, I don't know. This is always an unsatisfactory answer to them. Well, if it's unsatisfactory to them, how do you think it feels for me? Often I can make myself feel worse just by ruminating on the fact that I cannot pinpoint just why I felt like I did all of a sudden and why I still struggle to this day.

  I went through a seriously dark period at the start of all this, I became a person that I didn't even recognise. So when Covid hit and the country (UK) went into Lockdown, people were paranoid and got themselves into a nationwide panic. But not for me, it couldn't have come at a better time. I needed the rest. A break from work, responsibilities and pretty much from people in general. I was loving it, but in hindsight, it was probably the worst thing for me. It allowed me to withdraw from the outside world AND I had a good excuse to it. Unfortunately I have been pretty much totally withdrawn ever since. In fact, Lockdown was only a nice and relaxing retreat for so long. About six weeks (or more, or less, I forget) into it, I got a phone call telling me that the Company I worked for was closing down and I was to be made redundant, effective immediately. Now, I was terrified of going back to work (that's anxiety for ya) but when I got this news, it was definitely not relief I was feeling. I was devastated. This was the best job I had ever had. It was pretty good money, I had many friends, more than I ever had before and more importantly I enjoyed it. So as much I was worried about going back, I was distraught over the fact that I couldn't! This did not help.

  Since then, my mental health has gone up and down like a porn star's thong. Roughly seven years I have dealt with this. It has tried the patience of my wife, my children, my siblings, my nieces, my nephews and also myself! I have wallowed, lolled and felt sorry for myself for such a long time. On top of that, I feel incredibly guilty over the fact that I am failing to be the person that the people in my life need me to be. This makes me feel terrible, therefore more depressed, therefore more withdrawn. It is a particularly vicious cycle.

  I had no interests and I did nothing. Literally nothing. Bed, food, alcohol, bed, food alcohol etc etc. Honestly, the self pity was (and is) pathetic. But eventually, things changed... a bit. on the 9th of March 2024, something changed. But really it started a bit before that.

  We have discussed this previously I'm sure, but after a few beers, on some uninteresting Saturday, I introduced Lee, my nephew and honestly one of my best friends, to Yahtzee. He took the game home to his family and got them all playing. Because of this, I did what I always do and took it too far. I started a Yahtzee League. Things, obviously, snowballed from there and here we are, approaching three years later! This is not a BHO origin story, I've done that. But there is a reason I'm telling you.

  When we started playing Yahtzee regularly, we played a Yahtzee League, which we all enjoyed. Then we played another, and another. We introduced the Live Matches, Head to Head tournaments, we hold an End of Year Knockout, we have a Champion's League and we also celebrate each anniversary with the BHO Dice Party. We are also trialling a Forced Yahtzee League at the moment. Basically, if I can think of a reason to play Yahtzee, I will. So far, I have plenty of people that enjoy coming along for the ride. We even have a few players from outside of the family now. I used to write Match Summaries and just send them to the BHO group chat, but I thought to myself, why not just start a blog? So I did! But again, why am I telling you all this? Well...

  Being the "boss" of the BHO is not a power trip for me. I do take it seriously... probably more seriously than I ought to. Often my over exuberance can get on everyone else's tits, and I get it. These people have other interests and they are actually busy people, unlike me. But, it gives me something to think about, something to do. Basically, it keeps me sane. Obviously it is not a cure and I still have to endure some dark days, but just knowing that I have to organise Match dates, corralle Head to Head players to play their Match and knowing that I need to keep up to the blog; write the Match summaries and results, plus the various random posts (like this one) to keep the blog interesting (I hope), it gives me focus, it gives me a reason to think and to just... be. I love Yahtzee, like I said, I also take it seriously, like I said. If this blog didn't exist, I would still be playing it, but the fact that I have this blog, it makes Yahtzee all the more important. It gets me out, if only to my family's house, but I do have aspirations to take it further into the wider community, and because it means so much I would actually go out and do it, anxiety permitting, something that can't be said for anything else I am interested in.

  So what's my point? Am I just looking for praise or sympathy? No, absolutely not! The point I am trying to get at is, if you suffer from depression or anxiety, it is very easy to give up and do nothing, literally nothing. I know, I have been there myself. In fact, if you take Yahtzee out of the equation, I am still there. I have a long long way to go. BUT, if you can put your mind to just one thing that for the brief amount of time that you spend actually DOING that thing makes all your troubles wash away, even if it is for a short period of time, believe me, it is well worth doing, and you should. Even ten minutes of clarity and sanity in the twenty four hours that we get in a day is better than none at all. Chase what makes you happy! You may be surprised how much a little thing can do for you!

  Take care.