How does one even begin to describe the latest member of our faction, Lily? I must admit that I don't know Lily as much as I do the other members, but I believe in that short time we have become firm friends and she's a love. I also think I've seen and heard more than enough to make an assessment of this strange piss head.
Lily is friends with my niece and fellow faction member (and scumag) Molly, and this is how I came to know her. If I didn't know her and just happened to be passing her in the street, I would assume that she was the kind of chavvy scrote you would see occupying a bus stop with a two liter bottle of white cider, intimidating old ladies. And my assumptions wouldn't have been too far off.
The first thing you notice when you meet Lily is most definitely the head, and what a fascinating thing it is. I have heard people being described as having a head like a peanut, but never has this been more appropriate when describing Lily's. It's so tiny that I think you could quite easily stick in on the body of a Chihuahua and it wouldn't look out of place. This does, however, come with it's problems. Obviously a miniscule head can only contain a miniscule brain, and it does tend to show from time to time. Her small head also impacts on her voice. She emits a strange sound. It sounds like a fog horn, a funeral march and Jonathan Ross's inability to pronounce his R's. And that laugh, oh, the laugh, which sounds similar to a 5 year old's terrible impression of a machine gun. But I'm not judging... well, not a lot.
Lily played in our End Of Year Knockout, and for her first competition, she did bloody well. But if she does have a disadvantage, it's her inability to stay sober, and upright for more than five minutes. Many a time she can be seen sliding off of chairs and falling flat on her face. Truly a woman after my own heart. She also has the uncanny ability to notice she has crapped herself by only smell alone. I quote, "I knew I'd shit myself because it stunk of cabbage". Shameful.
Anyhow, if she can stay alive long enough (she does struggle with day to day tasks), I think Lily could be a great addition and tricky competitor in our faction.
Lily, it's great to have you, don't be a stranger, but for God's sake just stay alive. And stop dragging my niece down to your shady level!
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