It is not a regular thing for me to get serious on this blog, but I feel there is is something I would like to sincerely address, and what better place to post it than here?
Don't get me wrong, this blog is not going to be a place where I vent all my frustrations in some tedious "listen to me, I'm important" kind of TikTok way. I just think that this is the kind of thing that needs addressing...
I love Yahtzee... this is not exactly a secret. I love playing it, I love talking about it, and in some ways I love writing about it even more!
I have always been a writer. I have written stories, novels, screenplays and poems. Nothing that has ever done anything. It might sound strange, but when my family and myself took up Yahtzee, I felt I had my outlet. The BHO blog IS that outlet. Because we play pretty much weekly, I have a very convenient outlet for my "creativity".
BUT! It isn't as if it doesn't come with its own struggles. It gives me a lot to do, and a lot to write. Sometimes I struggle with this, much like I struggle with other things.
For the past seven years I have been struggling with anxiety and depression (Iknow, boo hoo). I say this not for sympathy, just because it is a fact. I struggle to get out of bed, keep myself clean, go out of the house and talk to people I don't know (including medical, dental and any other appointments).
The great thing about Yahtzee and the BHO, is that it, at least, keeps me focused. I love to play it, I love to watch other people play it and I also love to write about it. This makes me a lucky man.
I could be a person, totally alone with his thoughts, hoping that I can get at least one person, anyone, that shared my views. Thankfully not.
I have a great family who does, to a large degree, enjoy playing Yahtzee as much as I do. We have also enticed others (friends, friends of friends) that also enjoy the same things. The blog has grown to a degree that I couldn't even imagine, and I forsee new members coming sooner rather than later.
My point is, it may seem that I don't care about the more important things in life, which is not true, and merely concentrate on Yahtzee. The few (very few) responsibilities I have in life, I adore; I pick my child up from school most days of the week, I prepare meals for her, my son and wife on these days and I love doing it. I just struggle to get out of bed on occasions and motivation is often a fairy tale for me.
So, people may think that I can just pick and choose when to be motivated, but sometimes they need to realise that I can perform 99% of the BHO's functions through my phone. It is a lot harder when I need to actually leave the house and do something.
As an example, I have organised a get together for the BHO's second birthday. I sent many emails to book a room at a pub. I have managed to book a space. This was quite easy for me. But when the day comes, I will be agonisingly anxious, for me, at least; "is it still booked"; "are we gonna fill the room"; "what if nobody comes".
I had this same issue when I created the Yahtzee packs. I created 60 packs for children so they could get started playing Yahtzee. I wanted to give them to a school that understood the mathematical benefit of the game. I sent lots of emails, and finally I found a school that would accept them. I spent months putting them together, I gave it everything. BUT, when the time came to hand them over to the head teacher, I bottled it and asked my wife if she would do it for me. She did. But I was gutted. But I couldn't have done anything differently.
At the moment, all this anxiety impacts only me, but eventually, it impacts us all (my family, for which I am truly sorry), but what if the BHO takes off? What if these "in person" Yahtzee nights I have been planning actually gain some interest? Well, firstly, that would be a blessing. But it could also be a curse. BUT, I am determined not to let my bullshit hangups get a hold of me and I will do my level best to grow the BHO in the way it deserves.
It has been a long time since the BHO was "mine", it has been its own entity for over a year now, and I am determined to do right by it.
To summarise, I don't really know why I'm telling you lovely people about my, in the light of everything else, quite insignificant problems, except to say that regardless of how you feel, try your best, if you do that, at least you can say that you have... regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Love you all, take care xxxxx
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