There is a trait in certain people that play Yahtzee (or possibly other sports, but I can't comment on that) that is so undesirable that it curls the toes, chaffes the bum crack and swells the nipples for all those that have to witness it. It's irritating, it's agitating and it's enough to put you off your cornflakes... or drive you to torture, maim and kill. They are the Pseudo-Hater.
I know what you're thinking... what the bloody hell is a Pseudo-Hater? Well, I'll tell you. It may sound like an odd concept hearing it the way I have described it, but I can guarantee you've either come across one, regularly play with one or even live with one!
If you wanted to be super simplistic you could just put these people down to being miserable little shits, God knows there are enough of them about. BUT, I think I can demonstrate that this reprehensible trait runs far deeper than just being a bit of a dick. The Pseudo-Hater is not just content with being a moody twat, they seem to be on a crusade to make playing Yahtzee as miserable as they can for all those other people that they are playing with! Sometimes it feels like it's their hobby, or some kind of weird sexual fetish.
Okay okay, I know what you're thinking: "If they don't enjoy Yahtzee, then they don't enjoy it, who are you to judge, judgy?". My response to that, as fanatical as I am, would be, fine. That's okay if you don't like it. You do you my friend, go your merry way and never worry about dice again. That's the great thing about us human beings; not one of us is the same! And that's a great thing! How boring would life be if we were all identical? BUT; that isn't what the Pseudo-Hater is all about!
The Pseudo-Hater doesn't hate Yahtzee, they just enjoy making Yahtzee miserable for all involved. I'll even give you a little example...
It's about time to get a match started, we have all descended upon the same place to have a good old game of Yahtzee. But then, from the cheap seats, I hear, "Oh for f**k's sake." And, "don't you people have lives." These people really tend to grind my gears. Because generally it's not because they can't be arsed or they hate the game, it's usually all because it's an act! Or they'll moan and complain all the way until it's time to play, just to make sure they sap all the fun out of everyone that has the misfortune of speaking to them before the match begins. Ohhhh, they boil my blood. And I hate to say it, but these little shits are not an uncommon occurrence.
I've noticed a little trend when it comes to the Pseudo-Haters, and that is, they will bitch and complain about an upcoming match then eventually play said match. But the truly magical thing is when they roll a few dud ones, nine times out of ten they go absolutely apoplectic with rage! Sorry? What? I didn't think you cared??? Most times, you can tell that these people clearly have a love for the game, but they hide it! Now, if you are an American or, to be fair, from anywhere else in the world apart from my dear old England, you may not have noticed this quality. That, is primarily because the English have a unique talent of telling other people, even their significant others, the exact opposite of what they really feel! I have been a Brit for my entire life and I still couldn't tell you why!!
So, why do they bother? I find it genuinely baffling that they "hate" playing Yahtzee... but when the game gets going, and they begin to roll a bit like a pillock, they, a bit unsurprisingly, get so angry! If things aren't going their way, they get so up upset!
HANG ON! I THOUGHT YOU HATED THE BLOODY GAME!!! This is because, by and large, they are (and I would never claim that I am not such a thing), an absolute flipping, dyed in the wool, hypocrite! Let's face it, we all are at some point! I know I can be a massive hypocrite. The only difference is that I don't use my hypocrisy to get out of, or ruin, matches for others. And I think I can tell you why they do it...
The reason they are so gosh darn irritating is for two reasons. Firstly, if it is an act and they really do enjoy playing Yahtzee, then what's the bloody point of the big performance before, during and usually after all the matches? Well, I think it's tactics. Mind games to throw their fellow competitors off their stride. But I can tell you for nowt that this "act" is indeed irritating, but it only makes everyone who are in earshot of them more determined to turn them inside out on the dice board!
If this is not the reason, and if it isn't an act, then don't bloody play! Do us all a favour! Purely from my perspective: It's not like I'm a Nazi war criminal!! If you don't want to play, then don't play. No one is forcing anyone to play or even FINISH a competition. The rules state that one can pull out (ahem) of a competition at any time, and I'm a stickler for the rules. So if ya wanna go, then by all means go!
Okay, breathe. This post is turning in to the very thing I didn't want it to be: a bit of a rant. I promise I didn't mean it to, but when something gets under my skin...
BUT, anyway, having said all this, I do believe in redemption and I believe that everyone has the capacity to change. If you notice that you have a Pseudo-Hater in your group, calmly take them to one side, sit them down, and whilst placing a comforting arm around their shoulder, tell them to shut the f**k up. If, after your subtle words of discouragement they continue to behave like a first class bellend, you are well within your rights to show them the door... violence is very much encouraged... But, I suppose, if violence isn't your thing you could just inform them that it's bloody annoying so they can either shut up with the childish whining or bugger off entirely. It will be around this time that you will find out definitively whether they are a Pseudo-Hater or just a good old fashioned hater! If they are a Pseudo-Hater they will more than likely get the message and shut up... at least for a bit, or they will, indeed, bugger off. If they do happen to do one, don't sweat it, you're better off withount them. Your stress levels and swollen knuckles will thank you and they will move on to annoy some other gaming group. Let's just hope they don't stumble upon a Scrabble club, they've been known to resort to murder...
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