We have a brand new member to our growing team, although I do think we have my eldest daughter, Grace, to thank for that. He is romantically entwined with her after all! In more sweaty ways than one! Grace, keep it up. I mean get us some new members, not whatever it is you two have been doing. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!
I can't quite remember exactly when I first met Jordan, I have slept since then and it was at least a year ago. From what I remember, he seemed like a very likable young chap. He was quiet, but so are a lot of people. I also learned he loves horror movies, as do I, so at least we had something in common. And that was it really. I've seen him sporadically over the following times that Grace had come to see us, but other than that, I didn't really know too much about him... so I turned to Grace for help. Well, who knows him best right?
Until Grace gave me the low down on Jordan's quirks and many, many fetishes (all of which are too grim to get into here, but all I will say is... eww), all I really knew about him is that he loves horror movies, he has a receding hairline and a peanut shaped head. But now I know more... so much more... well, at least more than I did.
I am told that Jordan is not actually officially Welsh; something I always assumed he was as that's where he lives and that's where my daughter is currently holed up. This, if I may say, comes as somewhat of a relief. Just for clarity, I know I say some things about the Welsh, which could be deemed as xenophobic. But I'm not. I love you all, no matter where you're from. I'm just not comfortable with the Welsh's "willingness" with sheep and relatives, that's all. Anyway, it seems he was born in Macclesfield. An area of the country I am not familiar with. So I can't really take the piss out of it. Not that I would! Who do you think I am? I do know that it is a ways below Manchester, so this may have something to do with the fact that he loves football.
Confused? You shouldn't be, because Jordan, like many of our lost souls in this country, has affiliated himself with that one football club that the only people that have any respect for them are the ones that follow them. Namely, Manchester United. I know, don't vomit just yet! We'll get through this. Now I'm no football expert, but I do know that you have to keep your eye on them. You see, Man United like to win and they don't care if they win honestly or dishonestly. So, I'm not judging Jordan for his team choice, it just means we'll be keeping our eye on him every step of the way!
This does lead me to my next point however. Jordan, apparently hates losing. This is not a surprise as his favourite team is used to getting victory handed to them on a silver platter. I know what you're thinking, they haven't being doing that well recently. Well, if you're as shit as they have been, not even the officials can help you. Ya know what I mean? Ha ha ha. Despite that, I take this fact to mean that he is a tad competitive. Which is fine. We welcome a healthy competitiveness here at the BHO so I think he will fit in just fine. I just hope he doesn't throw his toys out of his pram when he inevitably loses, as we all do! We don't need another sore loser, I'm more than enough!
He also loves a good few pints of the old Amber Nectar! It's almost as if Jordan was tailor made to be a Yahtzee League contender! Competitive? Check! Piss head? Check! Sexual deviant? Check! It's like every day of his life has been leading up to this point. You've made it pal, you've finally arrived!
Well Jordan, welcome to the BHO! You are very, very welcome (bring others xxx). Yes you may be the horny little Welsh Ram that stole my daughter and took her to a slightly more inbred corner of the world, but I will forgive you. I see great things for you my peanut headed friend, don't let me down!
Comments
Post a Comment