Evil stalks every part of this marvellous blue spinning orb we call home. In the bible his name was Satan (or God himself if you don't skip the Old Testament), in Star Wars he was called Darth Vader and in football that evil is known as Manchester United. The kind of evil I'm talking about infiltrates the very fabric of our lives and the very things we love, turning good people into bitter, miserable shells of their former self. Not even Yahtzee is safe!
99.999% of Yahtzee involves mighty fine people having plenty of fun, spending their precious spare time pursuing a game that they love. But there is an insidious force that attempts to threaten what we do every time we take the dice in our grubby little mitts. This evil probably exists in numerous forms accross all conceivable endeavours, but if you didn't know by now, I can only speak for Yahtzee. So that's what I'm gonna do.
This mysterious evil entity that seeks to destroy the good will and positive spirit of every Yahtzee player in it's sight has a name. How do I know? Because I was the one that gave it to him/her/they/ze/whatever... I have named it Noimad (Noy-mad). Why? Because it helps to have a name to assign it when you see it.
Please, I implore you, do not be fooled into thinking that Noimad is just one singular spectre that just flits from Yahtzee player to Yahtzee player, temporarily taking a pit stop to bother an innocent player that is just trying to have a good time, only to be tormented by this aggravating little imp! No! Noimad is far more cunning for the one on one approach.
This spectral little turd lives in the hearts and minds of the weak. The followers, not the leaders, clouding their judgement, telling them that Yahtzee isn't talked about 6.3 billion times a minute on TikTok therefore it must be destroyed. It may be more helpful to think of Noimad more of a disease than an evil being, and trust me, it's contagious! It finds itself a suitable host and moves itself in, a bit like a family member you barely talk to that just turns up on your doorstep asking to stay for a couple of days and it ends up turning into three months!
Noimad can target many types of people, but if you pay special attention, you can often spot many similarities.
Noimad has a great affinity with the narcissist. It just loves those people whose greatest passion is themselves. These people are perfect for Noimad as they are already naturally blinkered to anything that is out of their own interests. If they didn't discover it, or it's not the most popular current thing to do, they're not interested. Believe me. They would be more likely to post themselves lip syncing to some turgid mumble rap track with their dying loved one in the background than pursue, I don't know, a game of Chess, because thinking is for idiots, duh!
Noimad also targets those that have an over inflated ego and sense of self importance. You know the type; the gym selfie enthusiasts, those that make holidays to exotic places sound like a chore because they go "oh, so often" and those that post "Fuming 😡" as their profile status knowing damn well they're going to get dozens of comments that usually include, "what's up hun?" and "I'm there for you babe if you need a chat". We all know one.
Possibly the most important target for Noimad are the dismissive types. Now, we can all be accused of being dismissive from time to time. I've done it. Someone, in the past might have suggested that I watch/listen/read something and for no reason I've told myself, "Nah. Sounds shit.", then one day, perhaps even years later I'll be struggling to entertain myself (or run out of socks to crust up) and I'll end up watching/listening/reading the very thing I had dismissed. Then lo and behold, I bloody love it. So I have made a point of not being dismissive anymore. But I'm not talking about the casual dismissers like you or I, I'm referring to those that are beyond help. The people that refuse to listen to anybody because they are (in their mind) the pinnacle of what is "cool, fresh and exciting". It doesn't matter what you say or recommend it will be discounted as bullshit because THEY didn't come to YOU and tell you that very thing was awesome. These are the terminally dismissive types, and Noimad loves them. They are his bread and butter.
But. You may be asking yourself, why does Noimad target these people at all? Well, there is a reason for this; Noimad is interested in only one thing, the fall of Yahtzee and it's disappearance from the cultural map in all it's forms. Because of this, he chooses the dregs of cultural society that are predisposed to turn their noses up at anything that is not a hot topic or is currently "trending". This makes Noimad's job much easier. All it has to do is massage these people's inbuilt prejudices and turn them towards Yahtzee, presuming these people have relatives that happen to enjoy a good game of Yahtzee.
So, anyway, this is my PSA, my very own public service announcement. Beware of Noimad! It could be lurking anywhere, even in your loved ones (especially, in most cases), just waiting to strike at any moment! If you suspect that any of your own friends or family might have been posessed by Noimad, keep your distance, but remain calm! All is not lost. They CAN be brought 'round. Invite them to just observe a match. This may take some time, but it's worth it. This may be all it takes to damage Noimad's defences and let the human you know come through. If they stay there, observing for the whole match, try inviting them to play the next game. If you manage to convince them, you may just see the fog of Noimad lift from their eyes as they actually begin to enjoy themselves. If they finish the match with a smile on their face. Well done, you have successfully exorcised Noimad from your loved one. Congratulations.
But it's not always so easy, sometimes the person may be too far gone. But the point is, never give up. Yahtzee needs you.
DEATH TO NOIMAD!!!
"If you wish to know my true form, you scum suckers; Mirror me!"
- Noimad
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