"What am I doing?"
Normally, when it comes to Yahtzee at least, I am a crystal clear font of positivity. Like a Scandinavian waterfall spreading good vibes to all those who may imbibe my peppy mist. Well... I try to be. I do a pretty good job of it most of the time, and I think others would agree. But, when my silly brain has it's way, it can't help but remind me that alas, I am only human, and that's about the time that self doubt rears it's ugly head and taunts me from the cheap seats.
I have learned, from numerous failed attempts at YouTube channels and blogs, that I give up too easily. My life is littered with obsessions tossed aside, ambitions left unrealised and eventual disappointments that seem to be the only lasting results of my many side quests. And really, it all comes down to the fact that I'm just not persistent enough. I'll spend three or four months pursuing an interest, get disheartened that things aren't moving quickly enough, or I'm not gaining enough popularity and I'll just give it up and move on to something else. But, as an avid YouTube viewer, I have learned from numerous testimonies that people can spend years in internet obscurity until something clicks and their popularity sky rockets. So when it came to the BHO, I was determined to be patient, methodical, let things happen in their own time and more importantly not give up. So far, just over a year in, things are trending upwards. Slowly, but upwards nevertheless.
While this patience has afforded me some comfort in regards to the BHO's slow (but steady) progress, I can still be struck by that nagging self doubt that plagues most of us at some point. For clarity, self doubt plagues me often in my day to day life, but not so much when it comes to Yahtzee. That's because Yahtzee is one of the few places I actually have focus, as daft as it sounds. But, unfortunately, it is still there, like a filthy little imp that doesn't wash it's hands after going for a shite, just before digging it's grubby little mitts into my grey matter. Often, while writing a blog post I will question myself, "why are you bothering?" or "What’s the point?". Or I may be stuck for inspiration one day, and I'll get that anxious twinge in my chest that is all too familiar in my day to day life, and wonder if I'll ever come up with another decent idea again. Ever. In life. Full stop.
Sometimes these thoughts are annoyingly pervasive and they can cause me to hault everything I'm doing and spend the next four hours in a bit of a moody, feeling incredibly sorry for myself. But, while these pesky thoughts may work themselves in, I refuse to let them take over. And, given the appropriate amount of time, eventually an idea will lightly tap at my cranium that doesn't completely stink of doggy doo doo, and they will normally become a blog post. Most of the time, if I may say so, they usually end up being half decent. I'm getting on in years now, I'm thirty nine, and I'm getting a bit fed up of letting myself, and occasionally other people's negative thinking get the better of me. I will say that when others say negative things, they do not do it intentionally, it's my brain that picks up on certain sentences, obviously meant as jokes, and they eat away at me because I probably take all this stuff pretty seriously. More so than I should, but... Yes, it's rolling dice and yes, in the grand scheme of things it's secondary to almost every other adult concern you could possibly think of. But, do you know what? It matters to me. Maybe just me, but I don't care. For once in my life I'm going to hoist my colours up the flagpole and see who salutes it. Something I have never done before once in my adult life. So, if it takes off, I will be the most satisfied middle aged man you've ever met. Honestly. If not, well, for once in my brief existence on this planet, I won't be able to say I didn't at least try. I will be able to say that I refused to give up and saw it through. And THAT, for me, is satisfaction in and of itself.
Comments
Post a Comment