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| The Clueless Player |
Let's be clear about something right off the bat. When I use the term "clueless player", I am not referring to newcomers of the game. You know the kind of people I'm talking about. They've been playing Yahtzee, or whichever game, for long enough that they should have a perfect grasp of the game's particulars. But no, there are still aspects of the game, or the whole game, that they just cannot commit to memory. The clueless player may be unaware of the fact that they are, indeed, clueless. In fact, I can only presume there has to be a certain amount of blissful ignorance to their own shortcomings, otherwise they would have done something about it, no? They just sit at the Yahtzee board with eyes glazed, looking at their dice then the scoresheet, back and forth like some bipolar chicken trying to make sense of something, anything.
While they may not be able to see themselves for what they are, thankfully they're relatively easy to spot. This is useful, as spotting them can afford you the opportunity to sit as far away from them as possible, leaving you to concentrate on your own game rather than babysitting them. It's not your job, you've got a match to win, leave it to some other mug.
First thing to notice about the clueless player, is their incessant need for help. I mean how many times do you need to be told how a Three and Four Of A Kind is scored before you get it? But it goes deeper. They will lean into the nearest available person and proceed to ask where they should place their score, even though this is frowned upon in Yahtzee. If they get no response, they will continue to stare at said player with a face that resembles a dog that knows it's done something wrong or Puss In Boots from Shrek until the player finally gives in and helps. If you are the unfortunate fellow recieving the staredown, hold strong. Why should you help someone you are trying to beat? No! Let them swim in their own ignorance. You never know, you could be the reason they finally learn the bloody game properly!
If you're observant enough, you may be able to spot another little quirk of the clueless one. They do have a tendency to put their scores in the worst places because they're, well, clueless. For example, I have noticed people, who I will not name, roll a 5's & 2's Three Of A Kind, with fives and said Three Of A Kind open, and they go on and plonk it in their bloody twos! Obviously we recognise the absence of logic in that maniacal decision, but some people are on another planet, a planet you could name The Planet Duhh - Sector 6. When I see something like this it makes me bite my lip, wanting to say something. I want to... but I don't. And nor should you. Again, you're in battle, you don't pass your enemy and tell them the best way to kill you. This is just one example of many silly score placements I have noticed (and yes, I have done it myself), but be sure to keep an eye out.
The pure, dyed-in-the-wool clueless player can also have a specific way of moving, which can often be easy to spot if you know what you're looking for. They tend to have a Squirrelly look, not too many teeth and a kind of absent expression about them. Normally you can't hear a person thinking, but with the purely clueless player, you can, if you listen very closely, hear the cogs whirring. They also have a particular way of moving. They can often be seen shuffling about the room before a match like an outpatient, think One Flew over The Cuckoo's Nest. Plus, if they don't get the help they're looking for, they can get rather agitated. While one may resort to throwing their middle finger up at the board, the clueless one will use their index finger and thrust it in the air like they are finally able to answer a question their teacher asked them. This is usually because they don't know their arse from their elbow. But these kind of characteristics are usually reserved for the truly clueless and may not be present in all types.
Sometimes, the clueless are lucky enough to grasp a win. They will more than likely react to this result as a surprise. They may briefly show this before resorting to the "look at me, I just won" posture. They may even sit for hours afterwards, discussing their legendary "win". It can be annoying and irritating. So irritating, in fact, that you might have the urge to send the aforementioned opponent to Dignitas. But don't worry, it won't last, that kind of luck never does. Plus, Dignitas is expensive. Hopefully, in time, the rules will stick, and they will improve their game immeasurably. And that's a good thing for you. After all, you want to play, at the very least, against your equal, otherwise how else are you going to improve?
The most aggravating trait of the clueless player, and you may have read about this in a recent post, is that they are the one's that usually consider Yahtzee a game of chance. Either that or they are just brown-nosing someone who can play but shares this particular opinion. It happens. I won't go into the various reasons why this is not the case, as I have elsewhere, but I use it as an example of how the clueless player will very rarely have a unique thought in their brainium. This is why they struggle so very, very much. Bless 'em.
So, throughout this post, I have been ragging on the clueless player rather relentlessly. And you might think, quite rightly, that I'm a massive dick for calling them out so mercilessly. But cluelessness comes in many forms and to varying degrees. And here's the kicker, there is a clueless player in all of us, just waiting to get out. We all exhibit some of these traits from time to time. I, for one, can testify that, while I always remember the rules, I have made my own fair share of bone-headed choices. In fact, it's these decisions that have cost me so dearly in the league. But mistakes are there to be learned from, and learn from them I shall. Of course, some of us are more clueless than others, but this just means they have more opportunities to learn. But, if I may, I wish to end this post with an impassioned plea. Just imagine there's some inspirational music playing over the following:
If you wish to pursue a "career" in competitive Yahtzee, you are more than welcome to join us in your endeavour. It matters not how much of the nitty gritty or strategy (yes, strategy) you are familiar with, you are always welcome. But if you could do just one thing, one tiny, but quite significant thing, it will hold you in great stead as you go forward, and your fellow competitors will respect you all the more for it:
JUST LEARN THE BLOODY RULES!!!
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