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| Frustration Embodied |
"You take all the fun out of it!"
Would you bloody believe it? I've been accused of being a bit of a killjoy when it comes to competitive Yahtzee. Yeah, little old me. The flipping cheek of people.
Okay, okay, I'm nothing if not self aware, so I guess I can get a little officious at times. But there are reasons for this, I'm not just trying my best to be a twat. But I do appreciate it can occasionally (often) rub people up the wrong way. I also have to admit it would irritate my nips if the shoe was on the other foot. So let me at least try and explain myself would you, at least before you and my faction assassinate my character until there is no redemption?
My biggest pet peeve during a competitive Yahtzee match is talking. I'm not talking about just general waffle as the dice go round. After all, that's why we're here, to socialise and have a good time. No, what really grinds my gears is when the person in question (primarily Claire and my good wife Faith, yeah that's right, I'm looking at you two) has hold of the dice and proceeds to rabbit on for a decade about some nonsense they had plenty of time to bore each other with beforehand. Just for context, a swift game of Yahtzee involving nine people can take a good ninety minutes to get through, and feminine based yabbering can easily extend that timeline by a good three years (I'm joking all you ladies, I love you all... but still...). I have been accused of this myself and I have been guilty of it, but nowhere near to the extent of these two matriarchs of the Yahtzee board. By the way, if you want to jabber, that's fine, but don't hold on to the dice forever and leave the rest of us waiting. Roll the flipping things!!
The other thing about competitive Yahtzee that tends to get my ire, is really my problem (in fact, totally my problem), no-one else's. And that would be time keeping. Presuming you've kept up to date with the competitions that faction BHOF0001 has got going, you'd know that all of them have been plagued by delays. This is due to the fact that (as is right and normal) people have things to do. However, I do not. These selfish buggers think that nights out socialising or family holidays are more important than a game of Yahtzee! How dare they? I'm joking obviously, but when it doesn't happen, I do miss it. Perhaps I should consider a social life... nah. This has been negated mostly by the advent of the split match, but still I occasionally need to chase down scores. But they have also had to chase me down for results, so I guess we're equal on that one.
The final thing that gets my goat is sticking to the rules. Let's be clear, when I describe Kerrie as a cheater in match summaries, I say this because I'm a poor loser (mostly...). I do not think that anybody in our faction purposely cheats, otherwise the split matches wouldn't happen. But, follow me here, when someone asks you what do you do with dice, the correct answer is you roll them. If that's not your answer then you've never touched dice in your life. It truly irks me when someone is "rolling" dice and they just drop them and they go plap! Nothing. They just land on the dice board with less movement than a fella with erectile dysfunction. Again, ROLL the bloody things. Also, nothing gets my goat more than the term "does it matter?". This usually occurs when a die leaves the board and it just happens to land on a number they need. Now, the rules state that if any die leaves the surface of play, it needs to be re-rolled. So yes it does matter. What I can't understand is that it can go for or against the person challenging the move, so the challenger could come out worse off. But it's part of the rules. Anyway, I feel a bit like giving myself a Chinese burn and crying, so I'm going to leave it there.
I am, however, doing something a little different. All I've done in this post is call out my fellow competitors, so I invited all the people in my faction to create their own post detailing the things about me that get on their tits. Below you will find some of their unadulterated, unedited responses. Oh dear.
The first, and most eager entry came from none other than The Mouth, Lee. Let's see what this young whippersnapper had to say:
"What can I say about Chris that hasn't already been said? Is he obnoxiously loud? Yes. Does he annoy the life and soul out of the other competitors? Yes. Does he drink so much before every match that he loses every cognitive function in his body? Also Yes. It's undeniable that Chris is great at Yahtzee, and has the ability to pull some really good scores..... but with that comes a few drawbacks. This man is quite frankly overly competitive, as much as he doesn't like to admit it, I see a piece of his soul crumble and die behind his eyes every time someone else scores a Yahtzee. This is then met with a few unfriendly comments towards his competitors followed by a potential hand slam on the table or perhaps an aggressive arm throw. Come on now Chrissy it's not their fault they got lucky. Now how could i possibly continue this "Slamming" (if you will) without mentioning Christopher's alcoholism. I'm not just going to sit here and blatantly claim he's an alcoholic, because in fairness it's his defining characteristic. But Chris, when you combine your "defining characteristic" with your most favourite game in the world you become the WORST and most DISAPPOINTING Yahtzee player I have ever laid my pretty eyes upon. It's so unbelievably soul crushing watching one of the Yahtzee greats be brought to his knees by a few cans of Thatchers Gold and a bottle of wine. And to top it all off you're still clueless as to why your scores in the league are TERRIBLE, so we constantly have to hear you ponder your scores and blame luck when it really falls down to your lack of skills when drinking. I don't actually think he's came first in a League game since the beginning of league one. Finally and most importantly, I really need to mention this man's inability to sit in a room without annoying someone, because Chris is a master of annoyance. From young children to old folks there's no line Chris won't cross, if you're in his line of sight, you're in his line of fire. And when playing Yahtzee he's even worse, he's like the Power Puff girls if the ingredients to make them were alcoholism, Yahtzee and everything l annoying. He will say just about anything to annoy you and at some point you will be lead to shout profanities at him. I think it's a plot to l throw us off of our game and attempt to make us lose. We gotta keep an eye on this one......."
Er... a bit more blunt than I was expecting. But that's okay. And for the record, I have one glass of wine on Christmas day... honest.
Next up is none other than my sister, Claire. Let's see what this decrepid tart comes out with:
"So my younger brother, as much as I love him dearly, when it comes to Yahtzee, can be quite irritating. He constantly moans about the following things: talking while playing, a speck of dust on the board and the way other people roll their dice. And finally is the fact that he's usually half cut before we even start the game means he produces low scores and proceeds to paddy about anyone that is playing well!! Love you bro XXXX"
Again with the bloody booze! Anybody would think think there's a pattern emerging here. However, I cannot argue with the other points she raises. I'm beginning to regret this...
Would you believe it, even Miles came out of hibernation long enough to give his thoughts. Here's his take on his father:
"Hello to the BHO Yahtzee organisation. I have been requested to moan about my dad for his blog. So here are some things that bug me about my Dad while playing Yahtzee.
He is just an ordinary guy, but over the past year he has developed a massive obsession with Yahtzee and started the League. I took part in the first one as you may know.
He always finds ways to annoy people, every opportunity he gets. A bit like when he says, "just roll the dice properly", even though IF THE DICE ROLLS MORE THAN TWICE, THEN IT'S A ROLL!!!!!
Anyway, he does like to get in your head a bit, but when you do to him, it’s a whole different story! Also, he says the board needs to stay in the middle of the table, then he goes and moves it! What’s the point?! But although he gets on everybody's nerves, we should all be proud of his new journey."
Cheers buddy. For once, a statement that doesn't mention alcohol and one I cannot really, in good conscience, disagree with. And what a lovely little sentiment at the end. Love you fella!
Next up is my dear wife, Faith, whether she sees it that way, we'll probably never know:
"So now I'm playing in the league to win a Yahtzee pin. Let's just say there is always alcohol on the go. Don't think anyone has been sober yet. Hahaha.
Games are supposed to be fun, with a little nitter natter in between, but the host (Chris) has quite strict rules on silence, or at least one word here or there. He says it takes away the focus, but I disagree. I am often woken up in the early hours of the morning to my husband playing Yahtzee by himself. The amount of hours he puts in and he still loses!"
Alcohol again. Yawn. I take slight issue with my wife's statement about silence. As stated earlier, talking, fine. Waffling on while keeping the dice hostage, not fine. Why can't you people distinguish between the two?! And that's the third time I've been accused of being shit at Yahtzee!
Anyhow, I think I'll leave it at that for my character assassination, before my ego is bruised any further. I think the point I'm trying to make is that, yes I do have a habit of doing things that people may construe as fun zapping. But other's do it too. I don't think people appreciate how astonishingly unfun it can be to wait five hours for a go, play by the rules while others don't (in the most minor way possible, but still) and wait six months for another match. But enough of my whining. I've said my piece and so have they. I suppose the best thing we can do is try harder not to be the annoying little shits we all know we are, then maybe, just maybe, the bitterness may subside and things might go just a little more smoothly. There's an awful lot to be said about self awareness. Let's just see if we can all manage it. (Unlikely).
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